Many uses of a retractable umbrella

Subtitled: The wandering mind of a bored academic

I was walking home, thinking about the consequences of modernity by Anthony Giddens which I read today, swinging my retractable umbrella as I strode, when my thoughts took a sudden turn towards the umbrella.

It could have been because at the exact moment that I was thinking about the fascinating idea about how, according to Giddens, money is a means of time-space distanciation because it separates your (future) possessions and you, that my retractable umbrella popped and extended itself because of centrifugal force.

Said umbrella was in my hand, not because it was raining, but because it was the last object that I picked up from the office desk before leaving. It is a pretty sweet umbrella really, small and handy, purple and silver in colour. One thing interesting about it is that, from the point of purchase to date, it has never shielded me from rain. It never rains when I have it in my bag. It always rains when, because of whatever reason, it is not in my bag. I consider this as one of the immutable laws of my life, that I have a small retractable umbrella that never gets wet. This constant is comforting in current times of post-modern turbulence.

Then I thought, since that it is no good as a shield against the weather, there should be some other purpose for it. Indeed, after some reflection, I found that the umbrella that I own is in actual fact, useful in multiple ways in diverse circumstances. For instance, it is remarkably suitable as a massager, as I found myself hitting the back of my sore neck with it. Just the right length and hardness.

Also, an umbrella like that is very useful in the event that you encounter a flasher. Besides the obvious utility of it as a weapon causing irreversible reproductive damage, someone once told me that you should actually break the spirit of the flasher by making a pointed comparison of the length of the umbrella at hand and his exposed willy. This renders the usage of the umbrella as a phallic symbol; and with adequate reflex, it can also be used as a phallic symbol causing irreversible reproductive damage.

But my mighty umbrella is not only an instrument of self-defense. It also promotes mindfulness and heightened alertness to the self and the environment, by being a tool of meditation. By concentration, one is able to twirl the umbrella by its attached string with the optimal amount of force, completing a perfect arc without popping and extending it. This takes careful coordination between the mental and physical faculties, taking into account wind speed and humidity of the surrounding environment. With years of practice, one can eventually attain a state of bliss and perhaps, a position in a marching band as the baton twirler.

Reaching the lift to my apartment, there was an Indian guy whose cell phone was playing a catchy Bollywood tune, as he waited. In such a situation, the umbrella becomes useful as an emergency movie set prop. In the event that random bystanders pop out behind pillars and start dancing to the background music, as they are prone to, the umbrella will be useful as a prop to dance with, strategically hiding its owner's mediocre dancing capabilities.

Truly, the retractable umbrella I have is an amazing instrument, its extensive uses limited only by the sky, and only a sky with heavy grey clouds. With this conclusion I fumbled for my keys and entered the apartment, ending my 20-minute walk home.

Data. Entry. Overload.

Numb from all the mindless work, been doing data entry since yesterday. Luckily that's over (for now!) and I am moving towards finally writing Term Paper #2 after some painful three days of interview transcriptions.

*opens skull*
*retrieves brain*
*dusts brain*
*puts brain back*
*snaps skull shut*

Eminem is a chauvinist pig but damn his rap is good. Can't listen to him right now because Kristy's in the room and she doesn't like noisy stuff, and I can't find my earphones.

I've decided to become an inventor. [Invent: To produce or contrive (something previously unknown) by the use of ingenuity or imagination.]

Someone jumped in front of the MRT the other day and died. I invented a funnel-like chute which will suck anyone who does that into a high speed tunnel before the train hits him, that will lead to a counsellor's office where the suicidal person will be flung, headfirst into a mountain of rainbow-coloured marshmallows, which would make him forget about being suicidal and happy again. Follow up with counselling.

Or we could tag all the suicidal people in Singapore, and the tags would vibrate whenever they sensed any other tags nearby (within 2m), so that the suicidal people could feel better that they were not alone, and could smile at other suicidal people in solidarity. Potential loophole of suicidal people organizing mass suicides though. Hopefully they will all jump in front of the MRT, which would of course suck them all to the Counsellor's Office of Rainbow Marshmallows.

I'm hungry. Gotta start on my boring term papers after lunch.