Broccoli is not spelt Brocolli.

OK I'm severely PMSed and full of angst and ready to bite random people's heads off. Not to eat, you understand. Just to demonstrate that I mean business, and I will not hesitate to annihilate anything that is in my path. Perhaps with the exception of humpback whales. Since they're endangered and stuff. Nah fuck this shit. If any whales gets in the way I shall destroy them as well. ROARRRRR.

Back from my comfort food - maggi mee kari - and I have not noticed much difference in disposition. The horrible mood can partly be attributed to the fact that I have just returned from a networking session with the graduate course and realize that I SUCK at networking. And then I spent the rest of the time talking to the other PhDs who were working on hard sciences, physicists, engineers, biomedics, microbiologists, you name it. People who were blowing up (in scale, not by combustion) DNAs and doing research on cloud computing and studying Bayesian statistics, whatever that means. Crazy assembly of brains and I felt like such a humbug and an stupid duckling being amongst them - yeah I understand that there were many thinkers in the social sciences and they were also crazily intelligent but I am hardly in their league, being pretty much clueless in my own field as well.

Downnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

I almost wish that I wasn't going to the US so that I can start working on my research right away so I can compensate for my behindness and lax attitude in my studies. LOOK WHAT THE HORMONES HAVE MADE ME SAY. *slaps self repeatedly*

But seriously all the input from all around have made me really confused. The graduate forum before the India trip showcased an array of social scientific research in the Asian region that the other graduates were doing, and although I presented satisfactorily (I was within earshot when someone commented that they enjoyed my presentation to someone else *smug*), the paper happens to have no relation whatsoever with my current research and hence can hardly be counted.

Then India, sensory overload, but guess what I've only been back for 2 days and I can't remember what it was like already. It feels like a long, delicious and bug-infested dream. In fact if I wasn't all covered with red spots I might start to doubt that it actually happened. I remember bits. Like the sunrise at Pondicherry. The wonderful palace lights of Mysore. The hellish Chennai heat. Hellish Chennai heat. Chennai heat. Heat.

Then this graduate course. It's really fun actually. They're doing experiential learning so it's quite fun with problem solving and teamwork stuff and some outdoor activities. What we're learning is very much in line with the PhD life that we're going through, such as supervisor-student relationship, collaboration, creativity and etc. After all it is a course specially designed for new PhD students. But at the same time I keep seeing areas that I need to improve on, and being a mere mortal I am full of flaws and it infuriates me to no end seeing all the areas that I can improve on and what a better person I would be if I weren't gallivanting across the globe whenever I could.

And then I realize that even if I wasn't gallivanting across the globe I would be procrastinating in front of the PC, probably blogging about how I would like to gallivant across the globe, and that depresses me even further. I mean when you're talking to researchers who are working their butts off to find a cure for cancer, well, your case just comes across as rather weak - if what you want to do is just to travel. To see the world. To be touched by different cultures, and to touch different cultures - and the PhD is a vehicle for me to do that.

Why can't I be a regular PhD student who is working on hard, tangible science that makes hard, tangible differences to mankind? I mean I feel like such a fake sometimes. It's not like I'm not good at what I do. But when self-doubt floods in, it tears down the structures and drags the debris across the town and I feel entirely wretched.

So many things to do, and the absurdest thing is that I can't remember off my head what I actually have to do. I mean it in the immediate task sense, and also the areas of improvement I should be working on or thinking of, instead of weaving a long and verbose text which is not about India which I am supposed to blog about.

OK I just reread the bunch of crap that I just wrote and realized that I wouldn't give up what I'm going through despite all the whining, and I should stop alternating between yelling at myself and wallowing in completely unjustified self pity. So end of emo post. But since I have written so much I'll just publish it. As crazy as it may make me seem. OK will stop rambling and just think of a title that will summarize the essence of this post and post it already.