Showing posts with label life-in-general. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life-in-general. Show all posts
-45: Of splinters and engagement rings.
The past few days I was bothered by something quite trivial - it's one of those things that's like a splinter stuck in your thumb, it's not really life-threatening but annoying nonetheless, and you're unable to pluck it out because you don't have a tweezer. But then life goes on and you eventually forget about it and your body slowly dispels it. Life's too short to fret over cowardly wankers splinters, man.
Yesterday me and my officemates were discussing engagement rings. My contention is - engagement rings are pure waste of resources and have no use whatsoever. I base my argument on three major points:
My officemates think I'm the most unromantic person in the world. But I'm just saying, if you're going to spend thousands on a shiny piece of rock, you might as well give me the money. But now - if my man had mined that piece of rock, or if he had built the ring from scratch - now that would serve some symbolic value other than fueling meaningless consumerism and fulfilling societal expectations. And, if I inherit my mum's wedding band, it would mean much more than the engagement ring, because it will actually have been on her finger for most of her life. Get my point?
Another pointed (yet pointless) rant brought to you by the roving mind of a procrastinating research student. Writing is going alright. I am going to kick this paper's ass.
Yesterday me and my officemates were discussing engagement rings. My contention is - engagement rings are pure waste of resources and have no use whatsoever. I base my argument on three major points:
- Engagement rings, those that are worth their salt anyway, cost a fortune.
- You already have a wedding band for everyday use as a man repellent.
- Assuming that you don't leave the marriage, you won't sell your engagement ring, because of sentimental value and all that shit.
My officemates think I'm the most unromantic person in the world. But I'm just saying, if you're going to spend thousands on a shiny piece of rock, you might as well give me the money. But now - if my man had mined that piece of rock, or if he had built the ring from scratch - now that would serve some symbolic value other than fueling meaningless consumerism and fulfilling societal expectations. And, if I inherit my mum's wedding band, it would mean much more than the engagement ring, because it will actually have been on her finger for most of her life. Get my point?
Another pointed (yet pointless) rant brought to you by the roving mind of a procrastinating research student. Writing is going alright. I am going to kick this paper's ass.
-48: Existential Crisis
2:12am and I'm wide awake.
Sometimes I wonder, if you know that a path leads to a dead end, would you still walk down it? Travelling is about the process and not the destination right? Why worry about the dead end when you can walk down the path, admiring the flowers and the trees and the view of the lake on the way?
Given that the human life is finite and very short and we are most certainly going to die, why do we even bother to live it still? For people living their lives with passion and with joy, with innocence and conviction, they don't worry about stuff like this right? They're too busy living in the moment to worry about what happens after the moment. And if you look at it in a different point of view, it is precisely mortality that should actually fuel us to grab every opportunity to make it count.
So why am I unable to discard my sceptical mind and annoying need to know, and just dive into life as it is, without having to analyze everything that comes along the way? If life, enshrouded in mysterious mist, is more beautiful than life overexposed under harsh lighting, wouldn't it be better to experience it this way? But then - is it true beauty when you can't even see it clearly? But then again, what is beauty? Given that I am the boss of my reality, wouldn't I be the one to define beauty as it is to me?
Perhaps beauty is the simple truth. The simple truth that we are going to die, yes, but there is no use striding up and down a corridor within a house, knowing that the road from the door leads to a dead end, but still, the only way to really know, is to walk down that road. To recognize the futility of trying to lift the mist and still try. To live and love and laugh, all the way down the path, and while the dead end would still present itself as a devastating disappointment, to still have the courage to make that leap.
Is that my answer?
Sometimes I wonder, if you know that a path leads to a dead end, would you still walk down it? Travelling is about the process and not the destination right? Why worry about the dead end when you can walk down the path, admiring the flowers and the trees and the view of the lake on the way?
Given that the human life is finite and very short and we are most certainly going to die, why do we even bother to live it still? For people living their lives with passion and with joy, with innocence and conviction, they don't worry about stuff like this right? They're too busy living in the moment to worry about what happens after the moment. And if you look at it in a different point of view, it is precisely mortality that should actually fuel us to grab every opportunity to make it count.
So why am I unable to discard my sceptical mind and annoying need to know, and just dive into life as it is, without having to analyze everything that comes along the way? If life, enshrouded in mysterious mist, is more beautiful than life overexposed under harsh lighting, wouldn't it be better to experience it this way? But then - is it true beauty when you can't even see it clearly? But then again, what is beauty? Given that I am the boss of my reality, wouldn't I be the one to define beauty as it is to me?
Perhaps beauty is the simple truth. The simple truth that we are going to die, yes, but there is no use striding up and down a corridor within a house, knowing that the road from the door leads to a dead end, but still, the only way to really know, is to walk down that road. To recognize the futility of trying to lift the mist and still try. To live and love and laugh, all the way down the path, and while the dead end would still present itself as a devastating disappointment, to still have the courage to make that leap.
Is that my answer?
-63: A Sunday Smile.
I lie in bed, half awake, listening to Beirut accompanied by rolling thunder in the distance, the lightning piercing through the curtains into the otherwise dark room. My body is heavy after a workout, in a good way. I snuggle deeper under the covers. I ponder the delightful prospect of having a fondue dinner with Linda shortly. I flip open my laptop and type a few lazy lines. I turn it off, and snooze for another 10 minutes.
Life is so good sometimes.
Life is so good sometimes.
-67: Unwell.
I'm having a headache and my body temperature seems a little higher than normal. I hope that I'm not coming down with anything because I really can't afford to. Hosting Linda from France tomorrow and I really want to go for dragonboat training this Saturday and maybe Sunday, since I didn't feel well enough to go today.
Anyway I'm taking a quick shower and zoning out in front of the TV with cut fruits, hopefully I'll be rested and relaxed enough to have a good sleep tonight, and be well and repaired for tomorrow. My mantra for these couple of months will be: "Harden the fuck up!" as they always say during dragonboat training.
Anyway I'm taking a quick shower and zoning out in front of the TV with cut fruits, hopefully I'll be rested and relaxed enough to have a good sleep tonight, and be well and repaired for tomorrow. My mantra for these couple of months will be: "Harden the fuck up!" as they always say during dragonboat training.
One of those days.
Have you ever had days when you were so busy that your workload was literally bursting out of the seams of the bag that you put your workload in but you were too unfocused and lost that you didn't know what to do and you just wandered around watching youtube singing to Jon Lajoie songs which are awesome by the way and then you wondered if you should take a nap but somehow you were too pumped up to and there's a class that you had to go to in an hour anyway and you hadn't had lunch yet and
and now you're back from class and just got an ingenious idea to utilize modern technology to lessen your TA workload and hence are kind of smug but still the question remains that you don't have a question to ask for your research and therefore cannot hope to find an answer and time is trickling away while you are blogging absently wondering what else you can do to procrastinate further from doing actual work...?
I'm sure you have. That's what I'm talking about.
and now you're back from class and just got an ingenious idea to utilize modern technology to lessen your TA workload and hence are kind of smug but still the question remains that you don't have a question to ask for your research and therefore cannot hope to find an answer and time is trickling away while you are blogging absently wondering what else you can do to procrastinate further from doing actual work...?
I'm sure you have. That's what I'm talking about.
Blogging in bed on a Sunday morning
Housemate David did his once-in-a-blue-moon mail check yesterday, and instead of a bunch of bills I got a bunch of bills, PLUS Kasia's mail! The sweet girl sent me a CD of our pictures from the hiking trip in the States, and even printed out some of the pictures.
The sense of yearning within me... it is a feeling of intense longing, to a realm that I can almost sense, just almost. The careless laughter, the outstretched arms against a backdrop of breathtaking landscape, the heat of the sun against the back of my neck, the joy of being right there, right then! But now it is unattainable, and all we have are pictures to look back at, to have nostalgic reminiscences of. The beauty of the moment is sealed, there is no way to go back. The only thing to do is to seize every moment of life, to create more and more of these memories, for that is the only thing we can do.
So here are some pictures captured by the beautiful Kasia, whose photographic skills far surpass that of mine.
Kasia =) hugs
Micah with Bryce National Park. This is one of my favourite pictures, because it captures the vastness and majesty of Bryce. Bryce National Park was one place where I couldn't stop sighing with happiness, because every view, every different angle, was equally beautiful.
An natural arch in the Arches National Park. Notice the tiny specks we call human for scale.
Me, and the waters of Colorado River.
This is Lake Powell, a reservoir on the Colorado River. We swam in the lake, where a native Indian (who looks like a Maori) hit on me, and Kasia almost got swept away by big waves created by a running motorboat.
The Grand Canyon... and I still maintain that you can't fully appreciate its grandness without hiking to the base, not even if you do. I hope to go back someday, and do another trail. Maybe in the winter.
Here's me taking pictures of cacti on the way to Plateau Point at the Grand Canyon, to prove that it is desert conditions that we are talking about. After hiking to the mid point from the base with Kasia, Micah, Vanessa and Michel(e), Kasia and I separated from the rest to take a detour to Plateau Point where we got drunk with nature and even have a video to prove how high we were. Best detour ever.
Me and Kasia finishing the hike from the base of the Grand Canyon. Finally!
Hermit's Rest, the furthest end of Grand Canyon National Park where the shuttle bus can take you. We chased the sun that morning - we woke up at 4 and missed two buses and finally ended up watching the sunrise at the "wrong" place. Fond memories of jogging around the bus stop because it was so cold, exchanging massages to assuage the muscle pains of the crazy hike the day before, and this weird Asian (think he was Japanese?) guy who took our picture at the Hermit's Rest (you can see his shadow) and his request of taking a picture with Vanessa, the girl in pink.
The bus from the back. I was writing in my travel journal that time. The bus accommodates 35 people, but we only had 17, so it wasn't cramped at all. That's Michel(e) from Italy looking towards the camera, his name is Michel but after Vanessa started calling him Michele we all followed suit, much to his annoyance because that sounded like a girl's name.
=)
Great times. Wanderlust is like an addiction - the more I get, the more I can't get enough of. I need to run, to be free, to embrace life with the company of people who, like me, can't get enough of it. Too often I meet people who are just so jaded and so complacent with what they have. They don't hate their lives but they don't like it much either. So day after day they wake up, work, go to bed... and before they know it, the best years of their lives are over, and they wish they'd done this or that, and didn't put it off till later, when they had more time, when they were richer, when they had enough of courage to take the step.
I say, fuck it all, it's my life and I will live it the way I want it. I'm thankful for what I have, and I'm vigilant of opportunities that cross my path, so when I see them I can reach out for them. Whether I get them or not is another matter. At least I tried.
In other unrelated news, I finally had formal training for dragonboating yesterday because they had a boat full of newbies. It feels great to finally know what you're doing, and what exactly you're supposed to do! I wish I had more time to go for practice, they have it three times a week but I can only do once. Body's hurting like a bitch but it feels really good =)
OK need to go cook lunch, my Brazilian couchsurfer is arriving in 2 hours. Another one from Indonesia arriving tonight around 9. Strangers are (Val can chant with me) friends you've not met yet! And sharing, is caring!
The sense of yearning within me... it is a feeling of intense longing, to a realm that I can almost sense, just almost. The careless laughter, the outstretched arms against a backdrop of breathtaking landscape, the heat of the sun against the back of my neck, the joy of being right there, right then! But now it is unattainable, and all we have are pictures to look back at, to have nostalgic reminiscences of. The beauty of the moment is sealed, there is no way to go back. The only thing to do is to seize every moment of life, to create more and more of these memories, for that is the only thing we can do.
So here are some pictures captured by the beautiful Kasia, whose photographic skills far surpass that of mine.
Kasia =) hugs
Micah with Bryce National Park. This is one of my favourite pictures, because it captures the vastness and majesty of Bryce. Bryce National Park was one place where I couldn't stop sighing with happiness, because every view, every different angle, was equally beautiful.
An natural arch in the Arches National Park. Notice the tiny specks we call human for scale.
Me, and the waters of Colorado River.
This is Lake Powell, a reservoir on the Colorado River. We swam in the lake, where a native Indian (who looks like a Maori) hit on me, and Kasia almost got swept away by big waves created by a running motorboat.
The Grand Canyon... and I still maintain that you can't fully appreciate its grandness without hiking to the base, not even if you do. I hope to go back someday, and do another trail. Maybe in the winter.
Here's me taking pictures of cacti on the way to Plateau Point at the Grand Canyon, to prove that it is desert conditions that we are talking about. After hiking to the mid point from the base with Kasia, Micah, Vanessa and Michel(e), Kasia and I separated from the rest to take a detour to Plateau Point where we got drunk with nature and even have a video to prove how high we were. Best detour ever.
Me and Kasia finishing the hike from the base of the Grand Canyon. Finally!
Hermit's Rest, the furthest end of Grand Canyon National Park where the shuttle bus can take you. We chased the sun that morning - we woke up at 4 and missed two buses and finally ended up watching the sunrise at the "wrong" place. Fond memories of jogging around the bus stop because it was so cold, exchanging massages to assuage the muscle pains of the crazy hike the day before, and this weird Asian (think he was Japanese?) guy who took our picture at the Hermit's Rest (you can see his shadow) and his request of taking a picture with Vanessa, the girl in pink.
The bus from the back. I was writing in my travel journal that time. The bus accommodates 35 people, but we only had 17, so it wasn't cramped at all. That's Michel(e) from Italy looking towards the camera, his name is Michel but after Vanessa started calling him Michele we all followed suit, much to his annoyance because that sounded like a girl's name.=)
Great times. Wanderlust is like an addiction - the more I get, the more I can't get enough of. I need to run, to be free, to embrace life with the company of people who, like me, can't get enough of it. Too often I meet people who are just so jaded and so complacent with what they have. They don't hate their lives but they don't like it much either. So day after day they wake up, work, go to bed... and before they know it, the best years of their lives are over, and they wish they'd done this or that, and didn't put it off till later, when they had more time, when they were richer, when they had enough of courage to take the step.
I say, fuck it all, it's my life and I will live it the way I want it. I'm thankful for what I have, and I'm vigilant of opportunities that cross my path, so when I see them I can reach out for them. Whether I get them or not is another matter. At least I tried.
In other unrelated news, I finally had formal training for dragonboating yesterday because they had a boat full of newbies. It feels great to finally know what you're doing, and what exactly you're supposed to do! I wish I had more time to go for practice, they have it three times a week but I can only do once. Body's hurting like a bitch but it feels really good =)
OK need to go cook lunch, my Brazilian couchsurfer is arriving in 2 hours. Another one from Indonesia arriving tonight around 9. Strangers are (Val can chant with me) friends you've not met yet! And sharing, is caring!
Dear dear Val,
Typing this as I am watching a drama series with my sister, right now we're waiting for it to load a little =)
Things have become much better since we last spoke, I hope that your migraine did not give you too much trouble. Headaches are no fun =( Was it the type that you got when you were in New Zealand, where you saw dark spots and stuff?
Well things have become better, largely because I bought a book about spirituality and am currently reading it. I feel that suddenly things have become so much clearer, I feel so much more at peace with myself, and it's a good preparation for me to approach my new bosses to explain my position and to figure out a solution that will work for me and for them.
The title of the book is "Conversations with God" - and I can see your eyes rolling right there, haha! Well firstly it's not bound within any religion, it does not endorse any religion, not Christianity, not Buddhism, not anything. As I had suspected long ago, it is possible to be spiritual without being religious (in a bigoted, exclusive sense) - and I feel that this book supports my beliefs that there can be a direct relationship between me and a supreme being (I hesitate to use the word God really, it just seems that some religions have caused so many non-believers to stigmatize the word), without any major religion being the middle man.
I don't really know how to explain my thoughts, they are very clear but they are also very complex, suddenly what I've been doing so far makes a lot of sense, and it's a relief to know that all my principles and way of life fit into a spiritual framework. I think I like the God in the book, he seems like a really cool bloke, and he supports everything that I've been doing, because he says that the purpose of our life is to rediscover experientially what we already know conceptually (i.e. your conscience, your sense of morality, the voice within you that tells you what is right and wrong, because your soul KNOWS)... and that aligns directly with my philosophy of life, which is "every experience is a learning experience".
In this book we are encouraged to be creative, to create the reality that we want, and have faith that things will turn out - and turns out that faith is the thing that I've been lacking, therefore I feel fear and confusion and chaos. And no thanks to all the messed up interpretations of religions which only can succeed in pushing us further and further away from a spiritual core, which I personally would like to have, but who can convince me to pray to an omnipotent, vindictive and fear-inducing God who only rewards those who think the same way that some religious leaders do?
It is when religion shuts your mind that it is dangerous. When religion opens your mind, encourages you to explore, encourages you to question everything (even God) and learn from every experience, but have faith that everything happens for the purpose of your discovering your true self and your purpose of life - that, I feel, is a religion that I can subscribe to. And it feels like, from how I was literally nodding to some lines in the book, it is indeed the religion that I have subscribed to so far, without even knowing it, and that itself is amazing.
I hope that I'm not sounding like an overzealous religious fanatic at this point, but trust me when I say that I feel that I am much more enlightened now than I was, a couple of days ago, when I talked to you. The uncertainty was engulfing me and I felt helpless - but now I feel that everything will be fine, I will have some earnest talks with my new bosses and explain to them the importance of travelling is to me and to my personal growth, and hope that they will understand and support me. If they don't, or if what I'm asking is in conflict with their professionalism, well, the next hope is that they will be cool enough not to obstruct me; but if they do, I will only be more determined to draw upon my creativity to blast the path to Europe.
This will be an interesting experiment, to see if I will get to Europe this summer, if I do believe wholeheartedly in what I'm doing and go all out in achieving it. If at the end I still fail, I will not be disheartened because I'd have learnt a whole lot anyway (of what you should not do in order to get to Europe =D), and I know that I will keep striving for it until I get it, maybe by the year after.
The book, titled "Conversations with God", is written by Neale Donald Walsch, and is a three-part series. Silver had told me about it in Singapore, and since I chanced upon the series the other day when I was wandering around a bookshop in KL I bought them. I am still reading Part One. I am still nodding (in agreement) to it. It is the most moving book of its genre that I have read so far, and that's not really saying very much because I don't really read books on religion and spirituality =P But it's good. If you come across it in any book stores in Germany I highly recommend that you give it a try.
I suddenly feel that I should put this on my blog. I wanted to blog about it but words wouldn't come out, but somehow it became so much easier when I was writing this email and speaking to you. So I will =) and I'll send you another reply on your last reply to me soon.
Big hugs and love,
Jun-E
Things have become much better since we last spoke, I hope that your migraine did not give you too much trouble. Headaches are no fun =( Was it the type that you got when you were in New Zealand, where you saw dark spots and stuff?
Well things have become better, largely because I bought a book about spirituality and am currently reading it. I feel that suddenly things have become so much clearer, I feel so much more at peace with myself, and it's a good preparation for me to approach my new bosses to explain my position and to figure out a solution that will work for me and for them.
The title of the book is "Conversations with God" - and I can see your eyes rolling right there, haha! Well firstly it's not bound within any religion, it does not endorse any religion, not Christianity, not Buddhism, not anything. As I had suspected long ago, it is possible to be spiritual without being religious (in a bigoted, exclusive sense) - and I feel that this book supports my beliefs that there can be a direct relationship between me and a supreme being (I hesitate to use the word God really, it just seems that some religions have caused so many non-believers to stigmatize the word), without any major religion being the middle man.
I don't really know how to explain my thoughts, they are very clear but they are also very complex, suddenly what I've been doing so far makes a lot of sense, and it's a relief to know that all my principles and way of life fit into a spiritual framework. I think I like the God in the book, he seems like a really cool bloke, and he supports everything that I've been doing, because he says that the purpose of our life is to rediscover experientially what we already know conceptually (i.e. your conscience, your sense of morality, the voice within you that tells you what is right and wrong, because your soul KNOWS)... and that aligns directly with my philosophy of life, which is "every experience is a learning experience".
In this book we are encouraged to be creative, to create the reality that we want, and have faith that things will turn out - and turns out that faith is the thing that I've been lacking, therefore I feel fear and confusion and chaos. And no thanks to all the messed up interpretations of religions which only can succeed in pushing us further and further away from a spiritual core, which I personally would like to have, but who can convince me to pray to an omnipotent, vindictive and fear-inducing God who only rewards those who think the same way that some religious leaders do?
It is when religion shuts your mind that it is dangerous. When religion opens your mind, encourages you to explore, encourages you to question everything (even God) and learn from every experience, but have faith that everything happens for the purpose of your discovering your true self and your purpose of life - that, I feel, is a religion that I can subscribe to. And it feels like, from how I was literally nodding to some lines in the book, it is indeed the religion that I have subscribed to so far, without even knowing it, and that itself is amazing.
I hope that I'm not sounding like an overzealous religious fanatic at this point, but trust me when I say that I feel that I am much more enlightened now than I was, a couple of days ago, when I talked to you. The uncertainty was engulfing me and I felt helpless - but now I feel that everything will be fine, I will have some earnest talks with my new bosses and explain to them the importance of travelling is to me and to my personal growth, and hope that they will understand and support me. If they don't, or if what I'm asking is in conflict with their professionalism, well, the next hope is that they will be cool enough not to obstruct me; but if they do, I will only be more determined to draw upon my creativity to blast the path to Europe.
This will be an interesting experiment, to see if I will get to Europe this summer, if I do believe wholeheartedly in what I'm doing and go all out in achieving it. If at the end I still fail, I will not be disheartened because I'd have learnt a whole lot anyway (of what you should not do in order to get to Europe =D), and I know that I will keep striving for it until I get it, maybe by the year after.
The book, titled "Conversations with God", is written by Neale Donald Walsch, and is a three-part series. Silver had told me about it in Singapore, and since I chanced upon the series the other day when I was wandering around a bookshop in KL I bought them. I am still reading Part One. I am still nodding (in agreement) to it. It is the most moving book of its genre that I have read so far, and that's not really saying very much because I don't really read books on religion and spirituality =P But it's good. If you come across it in any book stores in Germany I highly recommend that you give it a try.
I suddenly feel that I should put this on my blog. I wanted to blog about it but words wouldn't come out, but somehow it became so much easier when I was writing this email and speaking to you. So I will =) and I'll send you another reply on your last reply to me soon.
Big hugs and love,
Jun-E
The morning after.
I am back in my room in KL.
The past few days have been a crazy whoosh. It's one of those periods of time when things move so quickly, it's like you're in a corridor with a slippery floor and someone gives you a push and you slide, frictionless, bouncing from one wall to the other in a zigzag fashion. Sometimes you note the wallpaper and a painting or two or bump your knee against the teak furniture (of course it has to be teak!), but you never really have time to reflect upon what actually happened, because everything's just too fast-moving and you don't have time to grab onto a rail that doesn't exist anyway to stop all the movement.
The crazy sliding has stopped. I hang onto a door knob or something, dazed, sleep-deprived, unsure whether I prefer motion or stillness. I remember Asa, LL, Woei, YJ, Silver, my primary school friends. I remember a dinner, a failed attempt to watch some Yasmin Ahmad movies, a visit to the Islamic Art Museum, sleeping on a really comfortable bed in Malacca. I remember being early for my bus, Silver missing his, forgetting my (new) hand phone and getting it back, awkward social situations, sleeping. Waking up very reluctantly. Sleeping. Waking up even more reluctantly. Sleeping. Don't. Want. To. Wake. Up.
I just got a paper cut on my middle toe. I shall not furnish you with the details.
I should go to bed, I really should. Did I mention I really need sleep?
//I fell asleep promptly after the last line, although I'm sure I had some thought-provoking sentiments about sleep deprivation to share. But here's posting it in the morning after.
The past few days have been a crazy whoosh. It's one of those periods of time when things move so quickly, it's like you're in a corridor with a slippery floor and someone gives you a push and you slide, frictionless, bouncing from one wall to the other in a zigzag fashion. Sometimes you note the wallpaper and a painting or two or bump your knee against the teak furniture (of course it has to be teak!), but you never really have time to reflect upon what actually happened, because everything's just too fast-moving and you don't have time to grab onto a rail that doesn't exist anyway to stop all the movement.
The crazy sliding has stopped. I hang onto a door knob or something, dazed, sleep-deprived, unsure whether I prefer motion or stillness. I remember Asa, LL, Woei, YJ, Silver, my primary school friends. I remember a dinner, a failed attempt to watch some Yasmin Ahmad movies, a visit to the Islamic Art Museum, sleeping on a really comfortable bed in Malacca. I remember being early for my bus, Silver missing his, forgetting my (new) hand phone and getting it back, awkward social situations, sleeping. Waking up very reluctantly. Sleeping. Waking up even more reluctantly. Sleeping. Don't. Want. To. Wake. Up.
I just got a paper cut on my middle toe. I shall not furnish you with the details.
I should go to bed, I really should. Did I mention I really need sleep?
//I fell asleep promptly after the last line, although I'm sure I had some thought-provoking sentiments about sleep deprivation to share. But here's posting it in the morning after.
If...
... I had woken up ten seconds earlier this morning, the fallen branch would have cracked my skull.
MIA
My apologies for not updating in a while. Along with my lost hand phone and my university barring MSN I disappeared from the virtual world for about a week. I liked it actually. Coupled with the fact that I had two Swiss CSers over, it was like travelling, in the sense that you're cut off from connections and you're hanging out with other travellers. Also, since I finished my paper earlier in the week I wasn't worrying about work that much which made the week relaxing. Therefore Monday blues struck hard today.
Things that I have learnt over the past week:
I think I'm tired and I need a break, and I'm really looking forward to going home next weekend. But before that I'll need to finish all the interview transcriptions - I have three now, about five hours of data to transcribe. Another two guys will be coming this week and I will have five interviews in total before I call it a day. With five interviews I will have enough of data in my hands to look at for the time being I guess.
I think I like ska. The happy beat is the only thing keeping me from going into a full-blown monday blues depression. Over the weekend I went to the city and caught two live swing bands with Yves, and yesterday after coming home he sat me down and ran me through some nice ska bands that he liked, and the philosophy of the working class behind the music, and the picture of the big black guy who played the bass with his teeth. I was intrigued, but we couldn't find any video of him doing it, Yves saw him do it live.
Well I should get to my first transcription - Tope from Nigeria. Also means that I need to turn off the happy ska music. Will leave you with "I lost my phone" from Open Season, a Swiss ska/rock steady/reggae band.
I lost my phone, lalalalalalalalala.
Things that I have learnt over the past week:
- that Suspicious Looking Men really exist (we saw one on the MRT - black baseball cap, big dark glasses, huge droopy fake-looking moustache, black bag)
- a brief history of ska and skinheads (not the neo-nazi kind)
- how to flip a crepe in a pan
- that you can eat a crepe twice fallen on the floor with no medical implications
- that Singapore's National Museum has an impressive collection of audio stories but not much artefacts
- how to say "monkey" in German - "affe"
- that I should refrain from asking people if they're gay or if they'd like to be. I mean sometimes I just get gay vibes from people and I just want to check if my gaydar is working, it's nothing personal or insulting. Also you never know if you might unwittingly help someone sort their sexuality out and change the course of their life. But I shall refrain in the future because it pisses people off.
- Qwerty keyboards on cell phones are just a pain in the ass. Why use a gazillion keys when you can use only 12?
I think I'm tired and I need a break, and I'm really looking forward to going home next weekend. But before that I'll need to finish all the interview transcriptions - I have three now, about five hours of data to transcribe. Another two guys will be coming this week and I will have five interviews in total before I call it a day. With five interviews I will have enough of data in my hands to look at for the time being I guess.
I think I like ska. The happy beat is the only thing keeping me from going into a full-blown monday blues depression. Over the weekend I went to the city and caught two live swing bands with Yves, and yesterday after coming home he sat me down and ran me through some nice ska bands that he liked, and the philosophy of the working class behind the music, and the picture of the big black guy who played the bass with his teeth. I was intrigued, but we couldn't find any video of him doing it, Yves saw him do it live.
Well I should get to my first transcription - Tope from Nigeria. Also means that I need to turn off the happy ska music. Will leave you with "I lost my phone" from Open Season, a Swiss ska/rock steady/reggae band.
I lost my phone, lalalalalalalalala.
Saturday Ramblings
Lazy Saturday and I am spending my time pondering about reading the humongous text of Francis Fukuyama's Trust: The Social Virtues and The Creation of Prosperity. It seems like a perfectly readable book, if I don't think about the thickness of it.
This morning when I was flipping through TV channels while eating eggs and garlic bread for breakfast, I caught a small sliver of a programme about Samurai Bows. The advice dispensed by a master archer was intriguing. He says that one should not focus on the bull's eye when one shoots the arrow. The more you focus on it the more distracted you will be. You will just have to practise until you hit the target without thinking about hitting it. Fascinatingly counter-intuitive. Maybe that's the same case with the research that I'm doing. I should just enjoy reading and writing, hosting and meeting people, without putting so much pressure on myself. And at the end of the day, voila, there's my thesis all written and bound, and I wouldn't know how it happened. I wish.
Yesterday I had Jia Ling over for dinner and cooked two dishes for her, which she absolutely loved. And Jia Ling's not the type who would give false compliments so I feel extremely gratified. And it was a vegan meal too, score!
The first dish was brocolli + chick peas + tomatoes in a pot. I came up with it purely by chance the other day, as I was planning to heap some pasta sauce on random vegetables that I had in the fridge and a can of chick peas (aka garbanzo beans, which is such an ugly name) for dinner. Everything was simmering nicely in the pot when I found out that I couldn't open the damn pasta sauce jar, so I simply had to have it without the sauce, and I found that broccoli and chick peas go pretty well together by themselves. Jia Ling heaped high praise on this one, although I thought it was a little overcooked, but since she liked her broccoli soft I was in luck.
The second was mushroom tossed with pine nuts, extremely simple, and it was the first time that I've made it. Pine nuts are yum, even when they are burnt. I had a stroke of genius and put in a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in with the soy sauce for seasoning, inspired by a mushroom salad that I had once with balsamic vinegar which was really good. I personally like this one better than the broccoli and chickpeas. We had hash browns and bread as sides.
An inventory check of my fridge shows that I have an eggplant, two green capsicums, tofu, mushrooms and some Chinese vegetable which I don't know the English name of. I also have some baby potatoes. It is mysterious that an entire bag of carrots has disappeared. Maybe I dumped them into the rubbish chute while sleepwalking because I secretly hate carrots, or maybe Housemate David ate them all to avenge his stolen bread. In any case I don't have carrots now. I am looking forward to putting together random stuff tonight again.
My parents brought me this vegan recipe book Veganomicon - The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook, when they came last week, and I will try out some of the recipes in time. Although I do enjoy working without recipes it is probably better that I learn through some guidance. I feel like making hummus this weekend, with the recipe that Val gave me some time ago, but it remains to be seen if I can get my hands on tahini (sesame paste) at Fairprice Xtra. Or if I can actually drag my lazy butt out of the house to get it.
I also feel like experimenting with wine. According to The Veganomicon, the vegan cookbook for Transformers, "there's really nothing like wine when it comes to drawing out the flavours of seared and sauteed vegetables (particularly mushrooms), herbs and oils." It recommends white wine, red or sherry. I think I'll get a bottle of red the next time I go to Fairprice. Will also get a couple of wine glasses just in case =D
Ah. Leisurely Saturday afternoon just thinking about nothing in particular but cooking. At some point I'll have to pick up the big fat Francis Fukuyama, but now I shall be content with just sitting at my lounge corner typing absently, wondering what Housemate David is up to in the kitchen with the clanging and banging. We're getting along great, by the way. He's amazingly cool and very supportive of my academic needs (i.e. to host strangers in our home in the name of research). I put up a calendar on our fridge showing when my surfers come and he never questions anything. And we give each other loads of space, which is something that I appreciate very much. Half the time it's like living alone. Great stuff. About 40% of my stipend goes to my rent and utility bills but it's worth every penny.
Raining cats and dogs out there, like it does, every afternoon. Hello Mr. Fukuyama.
This morning when I was flipping through TV channels while eating eggs and garlic bread for breakfast, I caught a small sliver of a programme about Samurai Bows. The advice dispensed by a master archer was intriguing. He says that one should not focus on the bull's eye when one shoots the arrow. The more you focus on it the more distracted you will be. You will just have to practise until you hit the target without thinking about hitting it. Fascinatingly counter-intuitive. Maybe that's the same case with the research that I'm doing. I should just enjoy reading and writing, hosting and meeting people, without putting so much pressure on myself. And at the end of the day, voila, there's my thesis all written and bound, and I wouldn't know how it happened. I wish.
Yesterday I had Jia Ling over for dinner and cooked two dishes for her, which she absolutely loved. And Jia Ling's not the type who would give false compliments so I feel extremely gratified. And it was a vegan meal too, score!
The first dish was brocolli + chick peas + tomatoes in a pot. I came up with it purely by chance the other day, as I was planning to heap some pasta sauce on random vegetables that I had in the fridge and a can of chick peas (aka garbanzo beans, which is such an ugly name) for dinner. Everything was simmering nicely in the pot when I found out that I couldn't open the damn pasta sauce jar, so I simply had to have it without the sauce, and I found that broccoli and chick peas go pretty well together by themselves. Jia Ling heaped high praise on this one, although I thought it was a little overcooked, but since she liked her broccoli soft I was in luck.
The second was mushroom tossed with pine nuts, extremely simple, and it was the first time that I've made it. Pine nuts are yum, even when they are burnt. I had a stroke of genius and put in a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in with the soy sauce for seasoning, inspired by a mushroom salad that I had once with balsamic vinegar which was really good. I personally like this one better than the broccoli and chickpeas. We had hash browns and bread as sides.
An inventory check of my fridge shows that I have an eggplant, two green capsicums, tofu, mushrooms and some Chinese vegetable which I don't know the English name of. I also have some baby potatoes. It is mysterious that an entire bag of carrots has disappeared. Maybe I dumped them into the rubbish chute while sleepwalking because I secretly hate carrots, or maybe Housemate David ate them all to avenge his stolen bread. In any case I don't have carrots now. I am looking forward to putting together random stuff tonight again.
My parents brought me this vegan recipe book Veganomicon - The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook, when they came last week, and I will try out some of the recipes in time. Although I do enjoy working without recipes it is probably better that I learn through some guidance. I feel like making hummus this weekend, with the recipe that Val gave me some time ago, but it remains to be seen if I can get my hands on tahini (sesame paste) at Fairprice Xtra. Or if I can actually drag my lazy butt out of the house to get it.
I also feel like experimenting with wine. According to The Veganomicon, the vegan cookbook for Transformers, "there's really nothing like wine when it comes to drawing out the flavours of seared and sauteed vegetables (particularly mushrooms), herbs and oils." It recommends white wine, red or sherry. I think I'll get a bottle of red the next time I go to Fairprice. Will also get a couple of wine glasses just in case =D
Ah. Leisurely Saturday afternoon just thinking about nothing in particular but cooking. At some point I'll have to pick up the big fat Francis Fukuyama, but now I shall be content with just sitting at my lounge corner typing absently, wondering what Housemate David is up to in the kitchen with the clanging and banging. We're getting along great, by the way. He's amazingly cool and very supportive of my academic needs (i.e. to host strangers in our home in the name of research). I put up a calendar on our fridge showing when my surfers come and he never questions anything. And we give each other loads of space, which is something that I appreciate very much. Half the time it's like living alone. Great stuff. About 40% of my stipend goes to my rent and utility bills but it's worth every penny.
Raining cats and dogs out there, like it does, every afternoon. Hello Mr. Fukuyama.
The Brag and Misc.
Suddenly remembered that I should brag about cycling about 36kms in the presence of crazy taxis and monstrous trucks from East Coast Park to around Commonwealth and back, from about 10:30pm to 5am. Inclusive of food stops.
I, who have not biked more than 10 times after being taught by KF's little brother (then 12) four years ago (along a busy street with tons of curious onlookers - was not a proud moment for me), and I managed to pull it off without scraping any skin. Bruises however I have aplenty, result of sudden brakes and near misses of pedestrians. What were they doing awake at 2am anyway?
The only person who bled was Skinny David, the best cyclist among the four of us actually, who walked into a drain after the bikes were returned. Hence proven that good cyclists may not necessarily be good walkers.
Research has again met a bottleneck. Other aspects of life range from simple to complicated. I love my sociology lessons. Housemate David has not moved in. In fact I haven't heard from him in a while. Is it healthy to not hear from your housemate for a while, especially when he has not moved in?
The decoration of my room is almost finished. We will be holding a party there next Saturday bersempena Yuen's birthday. The theme is fruits + alcohol (but of course) and Yuen has named it "Toxic Fruit Theme" and there will be board games too which I am going to loan from our Boardgame Society. It will be great. I have not started hosting CSers yet. I thought that I might wait until Housemate David settles in, so that we can get used to each other first. I hope he shows up soon.
Am reading Lady Chatterley's Lover in lieu of academic reading in my room, since the loo is too far away. Here's a good quote for whoever who's been dumped or is looking for his/her other soulmate, who gets bludgeoned on the head by the cliche about all the good fish in the sea:
"There's lots of good fish in the sea... maybe... but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea." Amen to that, D.H. Lawrence!
I, who have not biked more than 10 times after being taught by KF's little brother (then 12) four years ago (along a busy street with tons of curious onlookers - was not a proud moment for me), and I managed to pull it off without scraping any skin. Bruises however I have aplenty, result of sudden brakes and near misses of pedestrians. What were they doing awake at 2am anyway?
The only person who bled was Skinny David, the best cyclist among the four of us actually, who walked into a drain after the bikes were returned. Hence proven that good cyclists may not necessarily be good walkers.
Research has again met a bottleneck. Other aspects of life range from simple to complicated. I love my sociology lessons. Housemate David has not moved in. In fact I haven't heard from him in a while. Is it healthy to not hear from your housemate for a while, especially when he has not moved in?
The decoration of my room is almost finished. We will be holding a party there next Saturday bersempena Yuen's birthday. The theme is fruits + alcohol (but of course) and Yuen has named it "Toxic Fruit Theme" and there will be board games too which I am going to loan from our Boardgame Society. It will be great. I have not started hosting CSers yet. I thought that I might wait until Housemate David settles in, so that we can get used to each other first. I hope he shows up soon.
Am reading Lady Chatterley's Lover in lieu of academic reading in my room, since the loo is too far away. Here's a good quote for whoever who's been dumped or is looking for his/her other soulmate, who gets bludgeoned on the head by the cliche about all the good fish in the sea:
"There's lots of good fish in the sea... maybe... but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea." Amen to that, D.H. Lawrence!
Two consecutive posts! I am on fire!
For those who are concerned about my depression and state of hunger, I have recovered and am now in a happy blogging mood. The mood swing that is my life, and the wonders of mediocre hawker food.
Different aspects of my life have also improved for the better - for instance, I'm going home today, woohoo!! This is totally unplanned, and I'm only going home because Tan Kuan Sheng was selling his bus ticket off, so I thought what the heck and took it. So I'm going to be home for the long Raya weekend =D
Put me and Asa together in a chatroom and we'll be up to no good - we decided yesterday that we will go for a roadtrip to the east coast this weekend, and do some camping along the beach! We are going to find some random nice beach, set up my four season tent, barbecue vegetables and burn marshmallows. It's going to be great.
And with regards to homelessness, I have found two housemates to share a house, so the remaining problem is just to get a place. It is rather cool to be able to rent a whole place and not having to take any shit from existing people who live there. I'm already fantasizing about the freedom that I will be able to have. *stares dreamily into space*
Also, I had the most invigorating discussion with my supervisor yesterday. He knows where I'm coming from, what motivates me and what my research needs - and he's prepared to support me in the mad schemes that I am already starting to devise. He even encourages the mad schemes. Quote from him: "we wouldn't want that to get in the way of your travelling", and I assure you that he meant no sarcasm at all. At some point I was so overwhelmed by his coolness that I blurted out, "you're the coolest supervisor, ever!" and I meant every syllable of it.
So yeah, life has been great, and the emails this morning from Robert and a Singaporean girl that I met in the Burning Man are cherries on top. Hugs to Val whom I miss, to LL whose email I have yet to reply, and to the peeps in KL I AM REACHING TONIGHT, and to all the wonderful people I met in the States and are actually taking the trouble to read my blog - I love and miss all of you.
*hops away in hyper happy mode*
Different aspects of my life have also improved for the better - for instance, I'm going home today, woohoo!! This is totally unplanned, and I'm only going home because Tan Kuan Sheng was selling his bus ticket off, so I thought what the heck and took it. So I'm going to be home for the long Raya weekend =D
Put me and Asa together in a chatroom and we'll be up to no good - we decided yesterday that we will go for a roadtrip to the east coast this weekend, and do some camping along the beach! We are going to find some random nice beach, set up my four season tent, barbecue vegetables and burn marshmallows. It's going to be great.
And with regards to homelessness, I have found two housemates to share a house, so the remaining problem is just to get a place. It is rather cool to be able to rent a whole place and not having to take any shit from existing people who live there. I'm already fantasizing about the freedom that I will be able to have. *stares dreamily into space*
Also, I had the most invigorating discussion with my supervisor yesterday. He knows where I'm coming from, what motivates me and what my research needs - and he's prepared to support me in the mad schemes that I am already starting to devise. He even encourages the mad schemes. Quote from him: "we wouldn't want that to get in the way of your travelling", and I assure you that he meant no sarcasm at all. At some point I was so overwhelmed by his coolness that I blurted out, "you're the coolest supervisor, ever!" and I meant every syllable of it.
So yeah, life has been great, and the emails this morning from Robert and a Singaporean girl that I met in the Burning Man are cherries on top. Hugs to Val whom I miss, to LL whose email I have yet to reply, and to the peeps in KL I AM REACHING TONIGHT, and to all the wonderful people I met in the States and are actually taking the trouble to read my blog - I love and miss all of you.
*hops away in hyper happy mode*
Broccoli is not spelt Brocolli.
OK I'm severely PMSed and full of angst and ready to bite random people's heads off. Not to eat, you understand. Just to demonstrate that I mean business, and I will not hesitate to annihilate anything that is in my path. Perhaps with the exception of humpback whales. Since they're endangered and stuff. Nah fuck this shit. If any whales gets in the way I shall destroy them as well. ROARRRRR.
Back from my comfort food - maggi mee kari - and I have not noticed much difference in disposition. The horrible mood can partly be attributed to the fact that I have just returned from a networking session with the graduate course and realize that I SUCK at networking. And then I spent the rest of the time talking to the other PhDs who were working on hard sciences, physicists, engineers, biomedics, microbiologists, you name it. People who were blowing up (in scale, not by combustion) DNAs and doing research on cloud computing and studying Bayesian statistics, whatever that means. Crazy assembly of brains and I felt like such a humbug and an stupid duckling being amongst them - yeah I understand that there were many thinkers in the social sciences and they were also crazily intelligent but I am hardly in their league, being pretty much clueless in my own field as well.
Downnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I almost wish that I wasn't going to the US so that I can start working on my research right away so I can compensate for my behindness and lax attitude in my studies. LOOK WHAT THE HORMONES HAVE MADE ME SAY. *slaps self repeatedly*
But seriously all the input from all around have made me really confused. The graduate forum before the India trip showcased an array of social scientific research in the Asian region that the other graduates were doing, and although I presented satisfactorily (I was within earshot when someone commented that they enjoyed my presentation to someone else *smug*), the paper happens to have no relation whatsoever with my current research and hence can hardly be counted.
Then India, sensory overload, but guess what I've only been back for 2 days and I can't remember what it was like already. It feels like a long, delicious and bug-infested dream. In fact if I wasn't all covered with red spots I might start to doubt that it actually happened. I remember bits. Like the sunrise at Pondicherry. The wonderful palace lights of Mysore. The hellish Chennai heat. Hellish Chennai heat. Chennai heat. Heat.
Then this graduate course. It's really fun actually. They're doing experiential learning so it's quite fun with problem solving and teamwork stuff and some outdoor activities. What we're learning is very much in line with the PhD life that we're going through, such as supervisor-student relationship, collaboration, creativity and etc. After all it is a course specially designed for new PhD students. But at the same time I keep seeing areas that I need to improve on, and being a mere mortal I am full of flaws and it infuriates me to no end seeing all the areas that I can improve on and what a better person I would be if I weren't gallivanting across the globe whenever I could.
And then I realize that even if I wasn't gallivanting across the globe I would be procrastinating in front of the PC, probably blogging about how I would like to gallivant across the globe, and that depresses me even further. I mean when you're talking to researchers who are working their butts off to find a cure for cancer, well, your case just comes across as rather weak - if what you want to do is just to travel. To see the world. To be touched by different cultures, and to touch different cultures - and the PhD is a vehicle for me to do that.
Why can't I be a regular PhD student who is working on hard, tangible science that makes hard, tangible differences to mankind? I mean I feel like such a fake sometimes. It's not like I'm not good at what I do. But when self-doubt floods in, it tears down the structures and drags the debris across the town and I feel entirely wretched.
So many things to do, and the absurdest thing is that I can't remember off my head what I actually have to do. I mean it in the immediate task sense, and also the areas of improvement I should be working on or thinking of, instead of weaving a long and verbose text which is not about India which I am supposed to blog about.
OK I just reread the bunch of crap that I just wrote and realized that I wouldn't give up what I'm going through despite all the whining, and I should stop alternating between yelling at myself and wallowing in completely unjustified self pity. So end of emo post. But since I have written so much I'll just publish it. As crazy as it may make me seem. OK will stop rambling and just think of a title that will summarize the essence of this post and post it already.
Back from my comfort food - maggi mee kari - and I have not noticed much difference in disposition. The horrible mood can partly be attributed to the fact that I have just returned from a networking session with the graduate course and realize that I SUCK at networking. And then I spent the rest of the time talking to the other PhDs who were working on hard sciences, physicists, engineers, biomedics, microbiologists, you name it. People who were blowing up (in scale, not by combustion) DNAs and doing research on cloud computing and studying Bayesian statistics, whatever that means. Crazy assembly of brains and I felt like such a humbug and an stupid duckling being amongst them - yeah I understand that there were many thinkers in the social sciences and they were also crazily intelligent but I am hardly in their league, being pretty much clueless in my own field as well.
Downnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I almost wish that I wasn't going to the US so that I can start working on my research right away so I can compensate for my behindness and lax attitude in my studies. LOOK WHAT THE HORMONES HAVE MADE ME SAY. *slaps self repeatedly*
But seriously all the input from all around have made me really confused. The graduate forum before the India trip showcased an array of social scientific research in the Asian region that the other graduates were doing, and although I presented satisfactorily (I was within earshot when someone commented that they enjoyed my presentation to someone else *smug*), the paper happens to have no relation whatsoever with my current research and hence can hardly be counted.
Then India, sensory overload, but guess what I've only been back for 2 days and I can't remember what it was like already. It feels like a long, delicious and bug-infested dream. In fact if I wasn't all covered with red spots I might start to doubt that it actually happened. I remember bits. Like the sunrise at Pondicherry. The wonderful palace lights of Mysore. The hellish Chennai heat. Hellish Chennai heat. Chennai heat. Heat.
Then this graduate course. It's really fun actually. They're doing experiential learning so it's quite fun with problem solving and teamwork stuff and some outdoor activities. What we're learning is very much in line with the PhD life that we're going through, such as supervisor-student relationship, collaboration, creativity and etc. After all it is a course specially designed for new PhD students. But at the same time I keep seeing areas that I need to improve on, and being a mere mortal I am full of flaws and it infuriates me to no end seeing all the areas that I can improve on and what a better person I would be if I weren't gallivanting across the globe whenever I could.
And then I realize that even if I wasn't gallivanting across the globe I would be procrastinating in front of the PC, probably blogging about how I would like to gallivant across the globe, and that depresses me even further. I mean when you're talking to researchers who are working their butts off to find a cure for cancer, well, your case just comes across as rather weak - if what you want to do is just to travel. To see the world. To be touched by different cultures, and to touch different cultures - and the PhD is a vehicle for me to do that.
Why can't I be a regular PhD student who is working on hard, tangible science that makes hard, tangible differences to mankind? I mean I feel like such a fake sometimes. It's not like I'm not good at what I do. But when self-doubt floods in, it tears down the structures and drags the debris across the town and I feel entirely wretched.
So many things to do, and the absurdest thing is that I can't remember off my head what I actually have to do. I mean it in the immediate task sense, and also the areas of improvement I should be working on or thinking of, instead of weaving a long and verbose text which is not about India which I am supposed to blog about.
OK I just reread the bunch of crap that I just wrote and realized that I wouldn't give up what I'm going through despite all the whining, and I should stop alternating between yelling at myself and wallowing in completely unjustified self pity. So end of emo post. But since I have written so much I'll just publish it. As crazy as it may make me seem. OK will stop rambling and just think of a title that will summarize the essence of this post and post it already.
So I decided to go to bed early.
Slept for half an hour. Woke up at 11pm. Stared at my wall map lit by the dim light of my bedside lamp. Shifted my blanket around. Too warm. Took my blanket off. I like sleeping with a blanket on me. Pulled the blanket over my head. Too warm. Kicked the blanket away.
Stared at Kazakhstan. Wondered if there were Couchsurfers in Kazakhstan.
Listened to the lyrics of some songs from The Bird and The Bee which was still playing, from before I slept. Good tracks. Good vocals. Can't remember what the lyrics were about though.
Lay still. Thought of the weekend in front of me. Got depressed. Tried not to get depressed. Got extremely depressed. Turned on the lights. Went downstairs and got some snacks from the vending machine. Still people walking around. Of course, it is but 11pm.
Tried to smile at this Chinese girl who did not smile back. Stood in a corner of the lift and felt that I did not occupy space. Got out of the lift. Got into my room. Turned on the computer. Started watching 海角七号. Finished the snacks. Decided that I wasn't in the mood for 海角七号.
Still depressed. Lah.
Taiwan portrayed in 海角七号 is somewhat alluring. I want to go to Taiwan. Maybe I should go to Taiwan. The other day I checked flights to Frankfurt. I have enough of savings to afford that. Though it would be a very, very budgeted trip. Make that very, very, very. And that would burn my savings to the ground, which would not be wise. I also looked at East Malaysia. Impulse trip alert. Fuck lah need to go away. Anywhere. Need to run. Need space. Need to get out.
I am tired of mankind. I am tired of the virtual world. I am tired of myself. Do you know how tedious it is to be with yourself, like 90% of the time? All the internal monologues. Repeating and repeating. All the hopes and dreams. Repeating and repeating. All the want, all the despair, all the want again. Repeating. But that is not the worst. The worst is when you get to a point when nothing matters anymore because you're fucking bored of your life.
Why sleep, when you are going to wake up and relive today, over and over again? And over. and over. again.
Stared at Kazakhstan. Wondered if there were Couchsurfers in Kazakhstan.
Listened to the lyrics of some songs from The Bird and The Bee which was still playing, from before I slept. Good tracks. Good vocals. Can't remember what the lyrics were about though.
Lay still. Thought of the weekend in front of me. Got depressed. Tried not to get depressed. Got extremely depressed. Turned on the lights. Went downstairs and got some snacks from the vending machine. Still people walking around. Of course, it is but 11pm.
Tried to smile at this Chinese girl who did not smile back. Stood in a corner of the lift and felt that I did not occupy space. Got out of the lift. Got into my room. Turned on the computer. Started watching 海角七号. Finished the snacks. Decided that I wasn't in the mood for 海角七号.
Still depressed. Lah.
Taiwan portrayed in 海角七号 is somewhat alluring. I want to go to Taiwan. Maybe I should go to Taiwan. The other day I checked flights to Frankfurt. I have enough of savings to afford that. Though it would be a very, very budgeted trip. Make that very, very, very. And that would burn my savings to the ground, which would not be wise. I also looked at East Malaysia. Impulse trip alert. Fuck lah need to go away. Anywhere. Need to run. Need space. Need to get out.
I am tired of mankind. I am tired of the virtual world. I am tired of myself. Do you know how tedious it is to be with yourself, like 90% of the time? All the internal monologues. Repeating and repeating. All the hopes and dreams. Repeating and repeating. All the want, all the despair, all the want again. Repeating. But that is not the worst. The worst is when you get to a point when nothing matters anymore because you're fucking bored of your life.
Why sleep, when you are going to wake up and relive today, over and over again? And over. and over. again.
I am not procrastinating.
After a long and fruitful day I am finally back in my room, in KL, sipping green tea after a good oily dinner, seated in front of my 19-inch monitor. Ahh. The simple pleasures of being home.
Long day because yesterday I didn't sleep too well on the train. I was reading The Kite Runner lent to me by Kukui, who, upon my rejection to read it, sneakily left it with me, so when I was hard pressed for loo reading I picked it up and since then I took extra time every morning to be on the loo and to get depressed even before breakfast. Looking back it wasn't that the book was that depressing, but because I was expecting to get depressed, it kinda became a self-fulfilling prophecy. So anyway I decided to end the madness once and for all and finished the book on the train, bawling my eyes out on upper berth #27, carriage L1, silently because I didn't want to freak out the ill kid sleeping at lower berth #28. Was about 2am when I finally slept, woke up 3 something, went back to sleep and woke up at 6am when the KTM folks walked around waking everybody up to get ready to alight. It wasn't till 6:35am till we reached KL Sentral.
Breakfast with mum and dad, good char kuey tiao at Damansara, got home about 8 something, gawked at sister's new boyfriend with interest, had a quick nap, took a shower and went for my first interview of the day - I am doing a term paper on editorial decisions on the reporting of ethnic issues - got good material, had lunch with mum and dad, nailed my second interview of the day to be held at 4pm, went to do the interview at 4pm, finished interview at 5 something, got back home, went out for dinner, nailed my third and fourth interviews to be held tomorrow hence meeting my quota of at least three interviewees, and I got a diverse set of English, Malay and Chinese dailies, so I am happy.
If you look carefully the above paragraph only has one period.
If you look carefully again, the above paragraph only has one period as well. And no commas.
Yeah so now I have two interviews to transcribe, the material is quite rich and I'm pretty satisfied how things turned out, and that I did not waste this weekend coming home. Not that I don't want to come home, but I am quite up to my neck with work, and travelling home always disorients me badly. Two term papers due next next week. Term Paper #1 I have been trying to complete since ever, and I have only succeeded in coming up with a bee analogy to what I feel about it, which is I am the bee stuck in a glass jar in a beautiful meadow and I keep knocking my head on the glass to get out.
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock* are we out yet?
*knock*
Yeah the bee in the analogy is not very bright. But we'll get there. Out in the meadows among the daisies and the pesky butterflies.
Oh and I have yet another insult that I learnt in class. If a person is libel-proof, it means that he has such a low reputation, that he is not defamable. It's just not possible. He's at the lowest rung of the Loser Ladder, that if you threw an indestructible rock down a well that houses the Loser Ladder in an island off Greenland it would travel through the centre of the earth and pop out through another well in the Antarctica where the last rung of the Loser Ladder is at. And strike the libel-proof person clinging onto it.
I hope it is not apparent that I am actually procrastinating from doing any real work by blogging, yet again. Data collection for Term Paper #2 is making progress but I still have a fair bit of work to transcribe and analyze all the findings that I've got, and that is something that I don't fancy doing right now, although my conscience says that I should, since I am sitting in front of my 19-inch monitor, sipping green tea and entirely poised to work.
I think I shall go to bed instead.
Long day because yesterday I didn't sleep too well on the train. I was reading The Kite Runner lent to me by Kukui, who, upon my rejection to read it, sneakily left it with me, so when I was hard pressed for loo reading I picked it up and since then I took extra time every morning to be on the loo and to get depressed even before breakfast. Looking back it wasn't that the book was that depressing, but because I was expecting to get depressed, it kinda became a self-fulfilling prophecy. So anyway I decided to end the madness once and for all and finished the book on the train, bawling my eyes out on upper berth #27, carriage L1, silently because I didn't want to freak out the ill kid sleeping at lower berth #28. Was about 2am when I finally slept, woke up 3 something, went back to sleep and woke up at 6am when the KTM folks walked around waking everybody up to get ready to alight. It wasn't till 6:35am till we reached KL Sentral.
Breakfast with mum and dad, good char kuey tiao at Damansara, got home about 8 something, gawked at sister's new boyfriend with interest, had a quick nap, took a shower and went for my first interview of the day - I am doing a term paper on editorial decisions on the reporting of ethnic issues - got good material, had lunch with mum and dad, nailed my second interview of the day to be held at 4pm, went to do the interview at 4pm, finished interview at 5 something, got back home, went out for dinner, nailed my third and fourth interviews to be held tomorrow hence meeting my quota of at least three interviewees, and I got a diverse set of English, Malay and Chinese dailies, so I am happy.
If you look carefully the above paragraph only has one period.
If you look carefully again, the above paragraph only has one period as well. And no commas.
Yeah so now I have two interviews to transcribe, the material is quite rich and I'm pretty satisfied how things turned out, and that I did not waste this weekend coming home. Not that I don't want to come home, but I am quite up to my neck with work, and travelling home always disorients me badly. Two term papers due next next week. Term Paper #1 I have been trying to complete since ever, and I have only succeeded in coming up with a bee analogy to what I feel about it, which is I am the bee stuck in a glass jar in a beautiful meadow and I keep knocking my head on the glass to get out.
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock*
*knock* are we out yet?
*knock*
Yeah the bee in the analogy is not very bright. But we'll get there. Out in the meadows among the daisies and the pesky butterflies.
Oh and I have yet another insult that I learnt in class. If a person is libel-proof, it means that he has such a low reputation, that he is not defamable. It's just not possible. He's at the lowest rung of the Loser Ladder, that if you threw an indestructible rock down a well that houses the Loser Ladder in an island off Greenland it would travel through the centre of the earth and pop out through another well in the Antarctica where the last rung of the Loser Ladder is at. And strike the libel-proof person clinging onto it.
I hope it is not apparent that I am actually procrastinating from doing any real work by blogging, yet again. Data collection for Term Paper #2 is making progress but I still have a fair bit of work to transcribe and analyze all the findings that I've got, and that is something that I don't fancy doing right now, although my conscience says that I should, since I am sitting in front of my 19-inch monitor, sipping green tea and entirely poised to work.
I think I shall go to bed instead.
The Pending.
So I've been able to come up with a reasonably truthful abstract of a research proposal for Prof K's term paper, although I was stuck in a rut for the better part of last week, making things up when I was required to talk about the research in class, although I knew that there were gaps in what I was proposing. I've since read more literature and have gone a round circle back to where I started, but at least I've grown a little wiser.
My abstract is a page long, but some Kiasu Kids are sending in four pages. I wonder if they understand what an abstract means. "A statement summarizing the important points of a text." Given that the paper will be about 15 pages long, 4 pages is sure a lot of important points. It will be in my best interest to finish this paper as soon as possible, before I start to work on Dr. C's on an entirely different topic, because I have puny brains that tend to get confused when working on multiple subjects in tandem.
As always I'm afraid to start writing. As stupid as it sounds, I'm always afraid that what I write won't be perfect. Logically I do understand that it's impossible for me at this stage to spurt perfection (ooh graphic) on the spot, but that's how I write - each sentence painstakingly crafted, revisited over and over again, and at the end of the day I end up with two paragraphs done. Two beautiful paragraphs, mind you, but something tells me that this isn't the smartest way to do stuff. I think for this paper I shall try a new approach, i.e. throw in all the ideas with the brokenest English possible, and do my editing at the end once and for all. Maybe that would work.
Oh and I made a new friend this weekend, his name is Kukui and he's from Hawaii. He gave me this brilliant idea of learning Spanish in Guatemala, a total submersion in the culture and the language - and I've been playing with it ever since. Apparently tons of people do that, the classes are held half-day and you do a homestay with a local family so you'd pick up the language really quickly. And you get to do some volunteering work as well, if you want. The first Spanish school result that came up while googling revealed a price range which was quite reasonable, i.e. USD125 per week of 20 hours of lessons, and USD75 with food and board provided with your host family. Which means it is about SGD300 per week, SGD1,200 per month, and if I want to budget for two months it will be SGD2,400, plus SGD600 of miscellaneous expenses ==>SGD3,000. Add in the flight tickets, which I have no idea how much it costs (Alvyc, do you happen to know?), it should be at the range of SGD5,000-SGD6,000 I guess?
As a comparison, a homestay in Tokyo for 15 days, provided by titanplanet.net, costs RM6,500 (inclusive of flight tickets and board) which is around SGD2,720. And that doesn't even include Japanese lessons.
Man it's so doable. Central America has never really been on my travel radar until now - and damn I can't stop thinking about the possibilities! Learning Salsa, cooking the local cuisine, immersion in a totally unfamiliar culture... I'm itching to go somewhere, anywhere! I'm currently saving for Europe which I'm aiming to do next year, as and when I get the time or the permission for fieldwork, so this year I'm probably strapped to Singapore, which is never a cheery prospect. The closest thing that I have to hope for is this conference in August which is held in Boston, but I'm not counting too much on that lest I get really disappointed if it doesn't work out.
I guess time will fly really quickly this year - it's almost March now. I need to move out (I'll save this headache for another post) of hostel in May, and after the last of my classes this semester, it will be full speed on my confirmation report, which hopefully will be done within this year so that I can do data collection next year onwards. And there's nothing spurring me on harder than that. To get funding, to get formal permission to leave. Singapore does good for a base to work hard, to motivate me, but what I really want to do is to see as much of the world as I can before the self-imposed deadline of 30 years old... and there's not much time till then.
I don't really know what I'm going to do after I'm 30. In my head time really just stops there - it's the settle-down-dom ("dom" as in kingdom) and that's pretty much it. Probably involves sperm banks and such, but I wouldn't set it down in stone yet. So the current plan is just to live to the fullest before I'm 30. Sometimes when I'm particularly down I wonder why I'm staying in Singapore during probably the best years of my life. Then I remember that travelling needs money, and money doesn't grow on trees. The only way out, is to stay in.
In other news, Jane Austen's Emma is coming to an end. Loo-going will never be the same again.
My abstract is a page long, but some Kiasu Kids are sending in four pages. I wonder if they understand what an abstract means. "A statement summarizing the important points of a text." Given that the paper will be about 15 pages long, 4 pages is sure a lot of important points. It will be in my best interest to finish this paper as soon as possible, before I start to work on Dr. C's on an entirely different topic, because I have puny brains that tend to get confused when working on multiple subjects in tandem.
As always I'm afraid to start writing. As stupid as it sounds, I'm always afraid that what I write won't be perfect. Logically I do understand that it's impossible for me at this stage to spurt perfection (ooh graphic) on the spot, but that's how I write - each sentence painstakingly crafted, revisited over and over again, and at the end of the day I end up with two paragraphs done. Two beautiful paragraphs, mind you, but something tells me that this isn't the smartest way to do stuff. I think for this paper I shall try a new approach, i.e. throw in all the ideas with the brokenest English possible, and do my editing at the end once and for all. Maybe that would work.
Oh and I made a new friend this weekend, his name is Kukui and he's from Hawaii. He gave me this brilliant idea of learning Spanish in Guatemala, a total submersion in the culture and the language - and I've been playing with it ever since. Apparently tons of people do that, the classes are held half-day and you do a homestay with a local family so you'd pick up the language really quickly. And you get to do some volunteering work as well, if you want. The first Spanish school result that came up while googling revealed a price range which was quite reasonable, i.e. USD125 per week of 20 hours of lessons, and USD75 with food and board provided with your host family. Which means it is about SGD300 per week, SGD1,200 per month, and if I want to budget for two months it will be SGD2,400, plus SGD600 of miscellaneous expenses ==>SGD3,000. Add in the flight tickets, which I have no idea how much it costs (Alvyc, do you happen to know?), it should be at the range of SGD5,000-SGD6,000 I guess?
As a comparison, a homestay in Tokyo for 15 days, provided by titanplanet.net, costs RM6,500 (inclusive of flight tickets and board) which is around SGD2,720. And that doesn't even include Japanese lessons.
Man it's so doable. Central America has never really been on my travel radar until now - and damn I can't stop thinking about the possibilities! Learning Salsa, cooking the local cuisine, immersion in a totally unfamiliar culture... I'm itching to go somewhere, anywhere! I'm currently saving for Europe which I'm aiming to do next year, as and when I get the time or the permission for fieldwork, so this year I'm probably strapped to Singapore, which is never a cheery prospect. The closest thing that I have to hope for is this conference in August which is held in Boston, but I'm not counting too much on that lest I get really disappointed if it doesn't work out.
I guess time will fly really quickly this year - it's almost March now. I need to move out (I'll save this headache for another post) of hostel in May, and after the last of my classes this semester, it will be full speed on my confirmation report, which hopefully will be done within this year so that I can do data collection next year onwards. And there's nothing spurring me on harder than that. To get funding, to get formal permission to leave. Singapore does good for a base to work hard, to motivate me, but what I really want to do is to see as much of the world as I can before the self-imposed deadline of 30 years old... and there's not much time till then.
I don't really know what I'm going to do after I'm 30. In my head time really just stops there - it's the settle-down-dom ("dom" as in kingdom) and that's pretty much it. Probably involves sperm banks and such, but I wouldn't set it down in stone yet. So the current plan is just to live to the fullest before I'm 30. Sometimes when I'm particularly down I wonder why I'm staying in Singapore during probably the best years of my life. Then I remember that travelling needs money, and money doesn't grow on trees. The only way out, is to stay in.
In other news, Jane Austen's Emma is coming to an end. Loo-going will never be the same again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
