Dear dear Val,

Typing this as I am watching a drama series with my sister, right now we're waiting for it to load a little =)

Things have become much better since we last spoke, I hope that your migraine did not give you too much trouble. Headaches are no fun =( Was it the type that you got when you were in New Zealand, where you saw dark spots and stuff?

Well things have become better, largely because I bought a book about spirituality and am currently reading it. I feel that suddenly things have become so much clearer, I feel so much more at peace with myself, and it's a good preparation for me to approach my new bosses to explain my position and to figure out a solution that will work for me and for them.

The title of the book is "Conversations with God" - and I can see your eyes rolling right there, haha! Well firstly it's not bound within any religion, it does not endorse any religion, not Christianity, not Buddhism, not anything. As I had suspected long ago, it is possible to be spiritual without being religious (in a bigoted, exclusive sense) - and I feel that this book supports my beliefs that there can be a direct relationship between me and a supreme being (I hesitate to use the word God really, it just seems that some religions have caused so many non-believers to stigmatize the word), without any major religion being the middle man.

I don't really know how to explain my thoughts, they are very clear but they are also very complex, suddenly what I've been doing so far makes a lot of sense, and it's a relief to know that all my principles and way of life fit into a spiritual framework. I think I like the God in the book, he seems like a really cool bloke, and he supports everything that I've been doing, because he says that the purpose of our life is to rediscover experientially what we already know conceptually (i.e. your conscience, your sense of morality, the voice within you that tells you what is right and wrong, because your soul KNOWS)... and that aligns directly with my philosophy of life, which is "every experience is a learning experience".

In this book we are encouraged to be creative, to create the reality that we want, and have faith that things will turn out - and turns out that faith is the thing that I've been lacking, therefore I feel fear and confusion and chaos. And no thanks to all the messed up interpretations of religions which only can succeed in pushing us further and further away from a spiritual core, which I personally would like to have, but who can convince me to pray to an omnipotent, vindictive and fear-inducing God who only rewards those who think the same way that some religious leaders do?

It is when religion shuts your mind that it is dangerous. When religion opens your mind, encourages you to explore, encourages you to question everything (even God) and learn from every experience, but have faith that everything happens for the purpose of your discovering your true self and your purpose of life - that, I feel, is a religion that I can subscribe to. And it feels like, from how I was literally nodding to some lines in the book, it is indeed the religion that I have subscribed to so far, without even knowing it, and that itself is amazing.

I hope that I'm not sounding like an overzealous religious fanatic at this point, but trust me when I say that I feel that I am much more enlightened now than I was, a couple of days ago, when I talked to you. The uncertainty was engulfing me and I felt helpless - but now I feel that everything will be fine, I will have some earnest talks with my new bosses and explain to them the importance of travelling is to me and to my personal growth, and hope that they will understand and support me. If they don't, or if what I'm asking is in conflict with their professionalism, well, the next hope is that they will be cool enough not to obstruct me; but if they do, I will only be more determined to draw upon my creativity to blast the path to Europe.

This will be an interesting experiment, to see if I will get to Europe this summer, if I do believe wholeheartedly in what I'm doing and go all out in achieving it. If at the end I still fail, I will not be disheartened because I'd have learnt a whole lot anyway (of what you should not do in order to get to Europe =D), and I know that I will keep striving for it until I get it, maybe by the year after.

The book, titled "Conversations with God", is written by Neale Donald Walsch, and is a three-part series. Silver had told me about it in Singapore, and since I chanced upon the series the other day when I was wandering around a bookshop in KL I bought them. I am still reading Part One. I am still nodding (in agreement) to it. It is the most moving book of its genre that I have read so far, and that's not really saying very much because I don't really read books on religion and spirituality =P But it's good. If you come across it in any book stores in Germany I highly recommend that you give it a try.

I suddenly feel that I should put this on my blog. I wanted to blog about it but words wouldn't come out, but somehow it became so much easier when I was writing this email and speaking to you. So I will =) and I'll send you another reply on your last reply to me soon.

Big hugs and love,
Jun-E