Ok sorry I've been missing in action for so long. It's been a crazy couple of weeks and I've been trapped in multiple whirlwinds (imagine a Venn diagram with 5 whirlwinds with one overlapping area - and that overlapping area would be me). I am still stuck but perhaps writing this blog post may help. Or it may not. At any rate it will do me good to purge some of the content in my head, except the unpurgeable parts, of which I blame the fact that this is a public blog with the public reading, and trying to protect it is like trying to hold an invisible fort with invisible walls. (The fort also has an invisible moat and super-range cannons and dragons that will pwn your horse-riding sword-wielding armour-clad mom. It is an awesome fort.)
Research.
So anyway. Confirmation defense is over and I passed it under dubious conditions that my examiners refuse to have to go through my report again. So right now I am dealing with the aftermath of sifting through the debris that is my theoretical framework and hopefully build something that will withstand the test of time and unsympathetic examiners, who keep huffing and puffing at my straw house, damn them.
Travelling.
I am going to Hong Kong in November for a PhD Symposium, and I've been tasked with arranging the logistics for everyone (8 people). That's what you get for having a reputation as a travel junkie.
I'm also working on a research attachment in University of Leipzig, Germany, for next March. The research attachment preparation is a mountainload of paperwork and money. I have also enrolled myself into a German language course so that I will be able to construct a sentence without saying Germany Must Die Or We Can't Live, constipation, or Mitfahrgelegenheit. I am excited but also deathly afraid. German people are stern (but fair) and blond and wear Jack Wolfskin-branded lederhosen. I will never be able to fit in and they will eat me alive.
Work.
TA duties. Readings for audited class on qualitative research methodology. Assignment for said class. Preparing a paper for a conference.
Staying alive.
Not sleeping enough or eating healthy and am torturing my body with various strenuous activities such as dragonboating and running and (the thought of) kickboxing. Occasionally uke-ing.
Censored.
Censored censored censored censored. Censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored, censored censored, censored censored censored censored censored. Censored. Censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored.
Newsflash. The word "censored" has been exhausted and has ceased to be a word. Attention to word-constructors out there: we will need something new and more powerful, a word that is able to not only stifle freedom of speech but also pwn your mom on the side.
Word that is able to not only stifle freedom of speech but also pwn your mom on the side.
Word that is able to not only stifle freedom of speech but also pwn your mom on the side. To the power of x till it implodes and destroys human language as we know it, so that homo sapiens beyond this generation will have to dance like honeybees to communicate. They will be so busy dancing that they will have no time for war or mass consumption or obesity.
You have a good day too.
Showing posts with label research. Show all posts
Showing posts with label research. Show all posts
AND I'M BACK!
Staying home today because I only fell asleep this morning at 6am - I don't know if it's jet lag or just insomnia - but I woke up at 12 noon, quite fully rested and ready to face the world... at home.
I am working though. Just discovered a deadline for a PhD symposium to be held in Hong Kong in November, due for submission on Monday, and typical to my "why the hell not" attitude I am going to write a 35-page (double-spaced) paper about my research within 3 days and submit it. A challenge's a challenge after all and there seems to be no reason why I shouldn't go for it. (I seem to have a knack for leading a super-stressful life.)
Other plans are in the pipeline, I spent the entire night thinking about them when I was sleepless, and these months are going to be really busy in trying to make those things work parallel with each other, and I'll have to multitask, which is something I'm not really good at, but I will try. At the same time I really want to lead a healthy and mindful lifestyle with a solid link with the real world instead of being online 13 hours a day, when I am in Singapore. Contrast that with the 0 hours when I was in Ireland and Estonia, when I was having the time of my life, and I realize that something must be done, or I will be dreaming my life away in the past or the future, when I should be focusing on the now.
So yes, it looks like I am back to my usual indestructible self, bouncing off walls and kicking ass. (Yes - I bounce off walls. That's what I do.) But first, I have a paper to write, if you'll excuse me.
I am working though. Just discovered a deadline for a PhD symposium to be held in Hong Kong in November, due for submission on Monday, and typical to my "why the hell not" attitude I am going to write a 35-page (double-spaced) paper about my research within 3 days and submit it. A challenge's a challenge after all and there seems to be no reason why I shouldn't go for it. (I seem to have a knack for leading a super-stressful life.)
Other plans are in the pipeline, I spent the entire night thinking about them when I was sleepless, and these months are going to be really busy in trying to make those things work parallel with each other, and I'll have to multitask, which is something I'm not really good at, but I will try. At the same time I really want to lead a healthy and mindful lifestyle with a solid link with the real world instead of being online 13 hours a day, when I am in Singapore. Contrast that with the 0 hours when I was in Ireland and Estonia, when I was having the time of my life, and I realize that something must be done, or I will be dreaming my life away in the past or the future, when I should be focusing on the now.
So yes, it looks like I am back to my usual indestructible self, bouncing off walls and kicking ass. (Yes - I bounce off walls. That's what I do.) But first, I have a paper to write, if you'll excuse me.
-11: Tan Jun-E, for the win!
Giving myself a little pep talk over a very inconvenient bout of writer's block.
I make words flow. I write books. I make things work. I have a magic smile. I stop cars with my thumb. I jump off bridges. I save whales. I cook edible food. I pwn leeches.
I witness amazing sunsets. (That's me, the wee speck, witnessing an amazing sunset at Kota Kinabalu.)
I am awesome. I can do it. What is another 10,000 words? I'll write twenty if I have to. Words don't scare me. Words are my friends. Without words there'll be no languages. Without languages there'll be no meaning. Without meaning there'll be no society. Damn. Words are starting to scare me again.
My point is. My point is. What is my point again?
Just finish the goddamn document and then you'll have all the sunrises and sunsets that you want. In ten days' time. Tan Jun-E, ftw!
I make words flow. I write books. I make things work. I have a magic smile. I stop cars with my thumb. I jump off bridges. I save whales. I cook edible food. I pwn leeches.
I witness amazing sunsets. (That's me, the wee speck, witnessing an amazing sunset at Kota Kinabalu.)
I am awesome. I can do it. What is another 10,000 words? I'll write twenty if I have to. Words don't scare me. Words are my friends. Without words there'll be no languages. Without languages there'll be no meaning. Without meaning there'll be no society. Damn. Words are starting to scare me again.My point is. My point is. What is my point again?
Just finish the goddamn document and then you'll have all the sunrises and sunsets that you want. In ten days' time. Tan Jun-E, ftw!
-31: Post Earthquake Volcano Eruption
Am working accompanied by Jay Chou. When did he stop being epic?
-37: Chin up.
Wish I was hiking somewhere with a bamboo stickThe stress is eating me up. My eyes have not smiled in a while. I am spending an average of 12 hours per day in the office this week. It's Friday night and I turned down a movie date because my time is better spent here staring at my computer trying to iron out concepts and frameworks. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this and then I remember myself not complaining when I am travelling. I need to remind myself periodically that all of this is self-inflicted. Going home now but I'm bringing back tons of lit to read over the weekend. This is the life man.
*update*
It's raining out there and I'm at home, fresh after a shower, just chilling out in my room =) I think my eyes are smiling now. Love night time rain with a passion!
-39: Break in times of crisis.
I am quite fucked. I am way behind schedule, I need to churn out A LOT of stuff, I don't even know how much time I've got now (-39 is actually an overestimate because I need to finish it way before then) and I don't actually have a backup plan besides letting the paper write itself - and we all know how that's going to turn out (advice from JK Rowling - never trust anything with a mind of its own).
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #38342128492.
So what do I do? I happily go on a spending spree buying train and air tickets. I have finished all the connections except one between Verona and St Gallen, and while waiting for the Internet banking statements to register, I estimate a spending of less than SGD1,500 (I think about SGD1,300 1,100 would be just about right) which is really not that bad. In the stack of e-tickets that I have are tickets of train (2, incl. a night train couchette yeah!), bus (2), flight (5) and ferry (1) connections. Too much flying, the flying's gotta stop!
Now what's left to do is to figure out how to pack for 2 months with only a 32litre backpack and a small day pack, since I have like 3 flights that I did not pay for check in luggage. After realizing that it costs a bomb to check in luggage (20 Euros each) I decided that it would make more sense to travel very lightly.
Actually - now what's left to do is to figure out how to write the insurmountable number of words with finesse and coherence and still emerge from all this smelling like roses. *deep self-affirming breath* I can do it I can do it I can do it. If I don't all this money will be wasted and THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. I can do it I can do it I can do it.
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN #38342128492.
So what do I do? I happily go on a spending spree buying train and air tickets. I have finished all the connections except one between Verona and St Gallen, and while waiting for the Internet banking statements to register, I estimate a spending of less than SGD1,500 (I think about SGD
Now what's left to do is to figure out how to pack for 2 months with only a 32litre backpack and a small day pack, since I have like 3 flights that I did not pay for check in luggage. After realizing that it costs a bomb to check in luggage (20 Euros each) I decided that it would make more sense to travel very lightly.
Actually - now what's left to do is to figure out how to write the insurmountable number of words with finesse and coherence and still emerge from all this smelling like roses. *deep self-affirming breath* I can do it I can do it I can do it. If I don't all this money will be wasted and THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. I can do it I can do it I can do it.
-54: Picture of serenity
Oh no oh no we're going for -50 and I have mountainloads of work not done yet and we're all going to hit a wall and die an excruciating death! *deep choked breaths*
I couldn't sleep yesterday night resulting in an awfully tired day and I had this meeting with my co-supe which was fine just that it made me realize the amount of work that I still have ahead of me and I really don't know if 54 days is enough actually make that 30 days because I need one month for my supervisors to go through my draft and make corrections and I still have so much to read so much to write so much to delete and write again and then I'll die and be born again out of the flames and make it to Europe. Except that I am not a phoenix and I am not familiar with the mechanics of deconstructing and reconstructing my particles through combustion. Does that mean I'm... just going to die?
Yeah. Just a fleeting glimpse of what it's like to be in my head. I'm going for dragonboat training tomorrow to de-stress and hopefully unclog my running nose.
I couldn't sleep yesterday night resulting in an awfully tired day and I had this meeting with my co-supe which was fine just that it made me realize the amount of work that I still have ahead of me and I really don't know if 54 days is enough actually make that 30 days because I need one month for my supervisors to go through my draft and make corrections and I still have so much to read so much to write so much to delete and write again and then I'll die and be born again out of the flames and make it to Europe. Except that I am not a phoenix and I am not familiar with the mechanics of deconstructing and reconstructing my particles through combustion. Does that mean I'm... just going to die?
Yeah. Just a fleeting glimpse of what it's like to be in my head. I'm going for dragonboat training tomorrow to de-stress and hopefully unclog my running nose.
-55: Tangan gatal.
You know how it always happens that I declare a hiatus and suddenly become even more prolific in my posting, or I say that I want to stop the daily post thing and still do a daily post? Somehow there's this rebellious me operating within the self that makes me do all these things.
The ticket-booking situation is still in a limbo, I actually booked the tickets, couldn't pay through my debit card, ended up choosing the bank transfer option and changing my mind 'coz my bank charges S$20 extra, then called up the airline try doing the debit card option again and failed, and eventually did an internet transfer omitting my payment reference code. So there's this sum of money that went into the airline account with no link with my booking code. Epic fail. Anyway I called up the airline again to try to make the connection, so hopefully everything will be fine soon. The competence of the call centre girl is dubious but me and Europe will prevail.
In other news, writing seems to be gradually picking up and needless to say I am glad. It is only logical that when you hit rock bottom and have nowhere to go but up. I have a meeting with my co-supervisor tomorrow and we'll bounce ideas. Unfortunately I also discovered today that my school machine loads the Big Bang Theory really quickly, so I broke my resolution and indulged in a few sinful episodes. But I offset that by writing up some research notes when I got home, so it's good.
The ticket-booking situation is still in a limbo, I actually booked the tickets, couldn't pay through my debit card, ended up choosing the bank transfer option and changing my mind 'coz my bank charges S$20 extra, then called up the airline try doing the debit card option again and failed, and eventually did an internet transfer omitting my payment reference code. So there's this sum of money that went into the airline account with no link with my booking code. Epic fail. Anyway I called up the airline again to try to make the connection, so hopefully everything will be fine soon. The competence of the call centre girl is dubious but me and Europe will prevail.
In other news, writing seems to be gradually picking up and needless to say I am glad. It is only logical that when you hit rock bottom and have nowhere to go but up. I have a meeting with my co-supervisor tomorrow and we'll bounce ideas. Unfortunately I also discovered today that my school machine loads the Big Bang Theory really quickly, so I broke my resolution and indulged in a few sinful episodes. But I offset that by writing up some research notes when I got home, so it's good.
-57:
Well the good news is my itchy throat and coughing seem to have eased after dragonboating under the rain again. The bad? I lost my purple water bottle =(
In fact I went on a little adventure to try to find my bottle. After dinner with a new girl on the team, I decided to go on a little expedition of saving my bottle - through riding on the newly opened Circle Line to the Stadium Station, just because someone, in a passing mention, said that it was close to the dragonboating site. Well it was not as close as I thought, so I got lost a little around the new station and wandered around in the dark, made my way back to the station to get more specific directions, and wandered around in the dark some more. Crossed some fields and a highway and finally got back to the dragonboating site, but my bottle was not in the toilet where I thought it would be. Bummer. I just sent a message to the captain hoping that someone picked it up.
Also today I had my first foray into the World of Warcraft, it wasn't half bad but I don't like the part where I have to club animals. Skinny David laughed as he saw me flinch =_=. Tomorrow I am going back to play for about 6 hours I think, to fulfil my role as a research subject. It's actually a pretty sweet way of earning 40 bucks, except that I will have to bring some hot chocolate tomorrow because it's freaking cold in the room.
Let's see... what else? I'm sorry my blogging style has been weird lately, there's just so many ways that you can pretend to blog without actually doing it XD But seriously sometimes it's just too difficult to make words flow. I think I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel of not being able to write though. I've been slowly building the outline although I haven't written much, so that when I can, the words will just gush like mountain spring water. And also I think I should probably stop flooding my blog with posts just for the heck of it. So I guess we're looking at the usual one or two posts per week. Counting down will continue but not in consecutive numbers.
Tired but having vague munchies. Hope my water bottle is safe and sound somewhere, I'm off to bed now.
In fact I went on a little adventure to try to find my bottle. After dinner with a new girl on the team, I decided to go on a little expedition of saving my bottle - through riding on the newly opened Circle Line to the Stadium Station, just because someone, in a passing mention, said that it was close to the dragonboating site. Well it was not as close as I thought, so I got lost a little around the new station and wandered around in the dark, made my way back to the station to get more specific directions, and wandered around in the dark some more. Crossed some fields and a highway and finally got back to the dragonboating site, but my bottle was not in the toilet where I thought it would be. Bummer. I just sent a message to the captain hoping that someone picked it up.
Also today I had my first foray into the World of Warcraft, it wasn't half bad but I don't like the part where I have to club animals. Skinny David laughed as he saw me flinch =_=. Tomorrow I am going back to play for about 6 hours I think, to fulfil my role as a research subject. It's actually a pretty sweet way of earning 40 bucks, except that I will have to bring some hot chocolate tomorrow because it's freaking cold in the room.
Let's see... what else? I'm sorry my blogging style has been weird lately, there's just so many ways that you can pretend to blog without actually doing it XD But seriously sometimes it's just too difficult to make words flow. I think I'm approaching the light at the end of the tunnel of not being able to write though. I've been slowly building the outline although I haven't written much, so that when I can, the words will just gush like mountain spring water. And also I think I should probably stop flooding my blog with posts just for the heck of it. So I guess we're looking at the usual one or two posts per week. Counting down will continue but not in consecutive numbers.
Tired but having vague munchies. Hope my water bottle is safe and sound somewhere, I'm off to bed now.
-58: Not a good day.
Sigh. I've been trying through various means to book the air tickets to Berlin but I have failed multiple times. Either it is the travel agent website saying that the seats are not available, or that there's something wrong with my card (there isn't - I bought a bus ticket online and it worked) or that the airline website going nuts at the last step of payment. Possibly it is the Iceland volcano situation that is causing all this trouble, or perhaps it's just my shitty luck.
Also I've been trying to write. It is not happening and I am increasingly stressed, as I see that the week is closing, and my word count has stopped at a certain number and has not increased ever since. It is horrible. I realize that I always have to go through a certain mental hurdle before I settle down and words flow, but this time it is taking very long and counting down every day is not helping. I will not be writing over the weekend as I'll be over at HSS playing 10 hours of World of Warcraft as a research participant for Skinny David and Patrick. It seems to be fun but I'm really not in a frame of mind to enjoy that.
More time working, less time worrying!
Also I've been trying to write. It is not happening and I am increasingly stressed, as I see that the week is closing, and my word count has stopped at a certain number and has not increased ever since. It is horrible. I realize that I always have to go through a certain mental hurdle before I settle down and words flow, but this time it is taking very long and counting down every day is not helping. I will not be writing over the weekend as I'll be over at HSS playing 10 hours of World of Warcraft as a research participant for Skinny David and Patrick. It seems to be fun but I'm really not in a frame of mind to enjoy that.
More time working, less time worrying!
-68: Multiphrenia
Not that I have anything to say but in attempt to keep up a daily countdown, I shall fill you in with the random stuff going on in my life.
Multiphrenia is when you have an over-population of the self, filling in too many roles and obligations, and is Gergen's dismal outlook to the postmodern life. It's not a medical condition, but a societal one. I think I have it. Sometimes my head feels like it is going to explode and yesterday I had only five hours of wakeful sleep. Therefore today I am rather tired, but it is Patrick's last lecture and last tutorial so I am determined to enjoy them to the end. After that I am meeting two Couchsurfers that I met last week during a vegetarian dinner gathering, and we are going rock-climbing together. This will be my first time. I wonder if I'll like it.
Research matters - I am going through some key contentions, over and over again, and I'm not able to find any solution, but I have to because I need to start writing. I have a faint voice in my head reproaching me for not putting more time into my work, what with the evenings of the rest of the week being all occupied with some random matter or another: rock-climbing tonight, tomorrow I am thinking of going for dragonboat training, Thursday and Friday I'm hosting a French girl, Saturday we have a barbecue after dragonboat training, and Sunday I have a dinner appointment. But another voice in my head insists that I have all the time in the world if I plan properly. And yet I am wasting 15 minutes of that time putting in a filler blog post.
Yup. I definitely have multiphrenia.
Multiphrenia is when you have an over-population of the self, filling in too many roles and obligations, and is Gergen's dismal outlook to the postmodern life. It's not a medical condition, but a societal one. I think I have it. Sometimes my head feels like it is going to explode and yesterday I had only five hours of wakeful sleep. Therefore today I am rather tired, but it is Patrick's last lecture and last tutorial so I am determined to enjoy them to the end. After that I am meeting two Couchsurfers that I met last week during a vegetarian dinner gathering, and we are going rock-climbing together. This will be my first time. I wonder if I'll like it.
Research matters - I am going through some key contentions, over and over again, and I'm not able to find any solution, but I have to because I need to start writing. I have a faint voice in my head reproaching me for not putting more time into my work, what with the evenings of the rest of the week being all occupied with some random matter or another: rock-climbing tonight, tomorrow I am thinking of going for dragonboat training, Thursday and Friday I'm hosting a French girl, Saturday we have a barbecue after dragonboat training, and Sunday I have a dinner appointment. But another voice in my head insists that I have all the time in the world if I plan properly. And yet I am wasting 15 minutes of that time putting in a filler blog post.
Yup. I definitely have multiphrenia.
-70: Towards Zero.
I actually wrote a really long post, but I just didn't feel it, so I am canning it. I don't know what's wrong with me nowadays but it seems that I have lost my mojo to write. Writing on my blog used to be an enjoyable means of self-expression. Now it just seems to be a chore, with all the words clogged up in my head tumbling out all wrongly. My extensive vocabulary seems to have lost its way in the woods, along with my wit and sense of irony. Everything comes out flat. And this is not the result of too much academic writing, because that is at a virtual standstill too. What is wrong with me??
Anyway, today is the first day of the next 70 days. What's happening after 70 days, you ask. Why, it would be June 20th. And June 20th, jinxes be gone, should be the day when I fly off to Europe, because my conference in Berlin is on the 21st-23rd. I am extremely excited, as you may imagine. But before Berlin, these 70 days will be crazy. Be warned that I will be prone to sob fests and be susceptible to PMS angst to the power of ten. I will stalk around my office like a caged animal and throw my hands towards the heavens demanding why, why, why I'm putting myself through all this stress and Europe probably sucks anyway and I'm going to fail my confirmation report *skiddddddd* TOUCH WOOD.
Anyway. Yeah this is an official account on this blog that I am going to Europe this year. (Yay!!) *resumes serious face* This is also an official announcement that I am going to be good for the following 70 days. I'm going to eat well, sleep well and exercise well, so that my brain remains sharp as a tack to finish my confirmation report two months ahead of the deadline. I'm renouncing the Big Bang Theory for the time being because it fucks up my sleep pattern when I chase one episode after another and google stuff that I don't understand, such as the application of Schrödinger's cat onto should-we-or-should-we-not-date situations. I think I understand it somewhat now but I'm really not sure.
The following months will be exciting. I will be hosting at least 2 CSers despite my crazy schedule. I am going to play 10 hours of World of Warcraft as a research participant. I am organizing a birthday party for myself. I am contemplating the participation of a dragonboat race. I am thinking of going home before I go to Europe. Not to mention I will be constantly refining and adding to my two-month travel itinerary; forming connections between places and with research participants. It will be busy, but exciting, and I need to be focused. There should be ample time for me to work, and play, if I plan it well and not procrastinate or get distracted like I'm prone to.
Alrighty, have some long overdue emails to reply, if you guys are reading my blog rest assured that I am on it. I'm just a really slow writer.
*two minutes later*
Oh yeah had to add this for the record: I think I'm getting the hang of it! Dragonboating I mean. I think my waist muscles are hurting, if that's not my head making things up, and that's a really good sign. And my arms are not hurting as much. Maybe I'll go for Wednesday training this week.
Anyway, today is the first day of the next 70 days. What's happening after 70 days, you ask. Why, it would be June 20th. And June 20th, jinxes be gone, should be the day when I fly off to Europe, because my conference in Berlin is on the 21st-23rd. I am extremely excited, as you may imagine. But before Berlin, these 70 days will be crazy. Be warned that I will be prone to sob fests and be susceptible to PMS angst to the power of ten. I will stalk around my office like a caged animal and throw my hands towards the heavens demanding why, why, why I'm putting myself through all this stress and Europe probably sucks anyway and I'm going to fail my confirmation report *skiddddddd* TOUCH WOOD.
Anyway. Yeah this is an official account on this blog that I am going to Europe this year. (Yay!!) *resumes serious face* This is also an official announcement that I am going to be good for the following 70 days. I'm going to eat well, sleep well and exercise well, so that my brain remains sharp as a tack to finish my confirmation report two months ahead of the deadline. I'm renouncing the Big Bang Theory for the time being because it fucks up my sleep pattern when I chase one episode after another and google stuff that I don't understand, such as the application of Schrödinger's cat onto should-we-or-should-we-not-date situations. I think I understand it somewhat now but I'm really not sure.
The following months will be exciting. I will be hosting at least 2 CSers despite my crazy schedule. I am going to play 10 hours of World of Warcraft as a research participant. I am organizing a birthday party for myself. I am contemplating the participation of a dragonboat race. I am thinking of going home before I go to Europe. Not to mention I will be constantly refining and adding to my two-month travel itinerary; forming connections between places and with research participants. It will be busy, but exciting, and I need to be focused. There should be ample time for me to work, and play, if I plan it well and not procrastinate or get distracted like I'm prone to.
Alrighty, have some long overdue emails to reply, if you guys are reading my blog rest assured that I am on it. I'm just a really slow writer.
*two minutes later*
Oh yeah had to add this for the record: I think I'm getting the hang of it! Dragonboating I mean. I think my waist muscles are hurting, if that's not my head making things up, and that's a really good sign. And my arms are not hurting as much. Maybe I'll go for Wednesday training this week.
My long weekend.
My head has been all over the place today and my work productivity has suffered, but because of the mellowness spilled over from the weekend, I am not worrying too much about it. I am right now in the office waiting for my insurance guy to come and give me some paperwork, then I can go back and cook noodles for dinner. I'm going to have maggi curry with tomatoes and chinese cabbage and a single egg. It's going to be awesome.
So Singapore sprung a public holiday on me on Friday (Good Friday), so I spent a leisurely day doing laundry and cleaning my hiking shoes with a toothbrush. That's how much I love them. They look brand new now, all ready for my next encounter with nature, which will probably be in Europe =D. In the evening Skinny David and I went to check out a club at Clarke Quay for some local bands. An acquaintance of mine was playing, so I thought I'd check if he was any good. (He wasn't.) But we were compensated by two other bands playing ska punk and I love love love the ska beat! Plus it was a very pleasant evening as David makes great conversation and is quite hopeless at eating melting double scoop ice-cream cones which makes for good entertainment.
Saturday came and I lepaked at home doing nothing in particular until evening, when I met up with Jen Hui and had dinner at Annalakshmi. This is my favourite dinner place in Singapore by far, an Indian restaurant in Chinatown. The concept is that you pay a price that you think is fair. The first couple of times I went, I paid S$10, but Saturday I paid S$15 because I like the place so much. Hanging out with Jen Hui, needless to say, is awesome. It's a feeling that is difficult to describe, maybe it's because we go way back and we're so familiar with each other that I feel completely secure and comfortable with her. And of course, Jen Hui's Jen Hui. It's impossible not to love her. After dinner we went to Esplanade to check out the free music at the waterfront that they have every weekend, but because they were playing extremely loud music that I wasn't really into, we retired into a cafe where we both hot chocolate and tiramisu, and continued our banter.
Sunday was the day that I volunteered with the Really Really Free Market Singapore. I had first read about this initiative on Wikipedia when I was researching gift economy, and I was really surprised when Eli, my CSer from Switzerland told me that she had stumbled upon it in Singapore! (KL has this initiative called Food Not Bombs, and apparently they had the RRFM also, 2 years ago, yeah! I wonder if they're still doing it.) Naturally I had to go, and when I learnt that they were looking for volunteers I jumped at the chance. So I spent about two hours there folding clothes and organizing stuff and smiling at the throngs of foreign workers who came into the market, and it was amazing.
It's such a great feeling to be able to tell people: everything here is free, just take what you want. I gave away my Talentime DVD (it was snapped up within 5 minutes, yay!) and an unopened miniature craft set, which also disappeared in a jiffy. I got a new book, Doing Good Well and an old book Don Quixote that Asa recommended some time ago. Also, after dinner, there was this amazingly cool yoga teacher sharing tips (for free of course - it is the RRFM) and he asked me to learn taichi, haha. Since I'm Chinese and all that. But I learnt a lot about yoga and the spiritual side of it, and I'm going to email him for further information - I feel that we're very much on the same channel and it would be brilliant to have a practising yogi to talk to about spirituality.
Also I got lovely emails, from Canadian CSer Daniel to keep in touch, and also from Silver, and I got my first interview consent from this guy from Switzerland who's organizing the CS Paella Party, which I'm going to this July! Damn happening online too =D Anyway I'm getting hungry, so I'll just leave you with this wonderful picture that Nex sent me today:
Couchsurfer dude! Awesome!
So Singapore sprung a public holiday on me on Friday (Good Friday), so I spent a leisurely day doing laundry and cleaning my hiking shoes with a toothbrush. That's how much I love them. They look brand new now, all ready for my next encounter with nature, which will probably be in Europe =D. In the evening Skinny David and I went to check out a club at Clarke Quay for some local bands. An acquaintance of mine was playing, so I thought I'd check if he was any good. (He wasn't.) But we were compensated by two other bands playing ska punk and I love love love the ska beat! Plus it was a very pleasant evening as David makes great conversation and is quite hopeless at eating melting double scoop ice-cream cones which makes for good entertainment.
Saturday came and I lepaked at home doing nothing in particular until evening, when I met up with Jen Hui and had dinner at Annalakshmi. This is my favourite dinner place in Singapore by far, an Indian restaurant in Chinatown. The concept is that you pay a price that you think is fair. The first couple of times I went, I paid S$10, but Saturday I paid S$15 because I like the place so much. Hanging out with Jen Hui, needless to say, is awesome. It's a feeling that is difficult to describe, maybe it's because we go way back and we're so familiar with each other that I feel completely secure and comfortable with her. And of course, Jen Hui's Jen Hui. It's impossible not to love her. After dinner we went to Esplanade to check out the free music at the waterfront that they have every weekend, but because they were playing extremely loud music that I wasn't really into, we retired into a cafe where we both hot chocolate and tiramisu, and continued our banter.
Sunday was the day that I volunteered with the Really Really Free Market Singapore. I had first read about this initiative on Wikipedia when I was researching gift economy, and I was really surprised when Eli, my CSer from Switzerland told me that she had stumbled upon it in Singapore! (KL has this initiative called Food Not Bombs, and apparently they had the RRFM also, 2 years ago, yeah! I wonder if they're still doing it.) Naturally I had to go, and when I learnt that they were looking for volunteers I jumped at the chance. So I spent about two hours there folding clothes and organizing stuff and smiling at the throngs of foreign workers who came into the market, and it was amazing.
It's such a great feeling to be able to tell people: everything here is free, just take what you want. I gave away my Talentime DVD (it was snapped up within 5 minutes, yay!) and an unopened miniature craft set, which also disappeared in a jiffy. I got a new book, Doing Good Well and an old book Don Quixote that Asa recommended some time ago. Also, after dinner, there was this amazingly cool yoga teacher sharing tips (for free of course - it is the RRFM) and he asked me to learn taichi, haha. Since I'm Chinese and all that. But I learnt a lot about yoga and the spiritual side of it, and I'm going to email him for further information - I feel that we're very much on the same channel and it would be brilliant to have a practising yogi to talk to about spirituality.
Also I got lovely emails, from Canadian CSer Daniel to keep in touch, and also from Silver, and I got my first interview consent from this guy from Switzerland who's organizing the CS Paella Party, which I'm going to this July! Damn happening online too =D Anyway I'm getting hungry, so I'll just leave you with this wonderful picture that Nex sent me today:
Couchsurfer dude! Awesome!
Anywhere but the eye of the storm.
I figure anytime now I will stop being so hyped up about MY PAPER BEING ACCEPTED FOR THE CONFERENCE AT BERLIN and start functioning like a normal human being again?
Direction, direction!
I need a director in my life. Someone who would say, Camera! And I would roll, from 9am to 6pm, to do what I need to do to get ahead in life, and then when he yells Cut! I will shed my act and go home and cook dinner.
I have tons to do, that's no doubt. The problem is just - where to start? I could get stoned on my Social Psych PhD readings - six fat chapters and I'm just eyeing them in trepidation because I know I'd never be able to finish it by Friday, though that's not gonna stop me from trying. A simpler undergrad level bunch of readings for tomorrow's class, which I'll probably be able to finish in a couple of hours. And of course there's my own research sitting there and I have this stuff on social capital that I need to read up, before meeting my supervisors and getting grilled.
Kuching was good, apart from the fact that I was constantly bitten by a variety of bugs and mosquitoes. We did some pretty cool treks and I foresee myself going back to Bako National Park to do some more. Val and Jia Ling got along great though there was a communication gap, but I'm glad they appear to like each other - Jia Ling got her education on German insults and Val got to impart his German insults. All were happy. I may or may not post pictures from Kuching later. I've got a kickass sunset photo.
Oh Val's in Singapore now camping in my living room. He told me not to blog because then we'd be left with nothing to talk about tonight - but I think it's highly impossible because we seem to be able to talk about all kinds of crap, failing which he'll just teach me random words and phrases to say in German. I don't know the spelling but after a week in Kuching I can now ask any German-speaking person if they have hair on their teeth. It's a German proverb, if someone has hair on their teeth, it means that they are very tough. If the answer's no, I can also say in German - harden the fuck up, man! Jia Ling and I can also have a constipated-related conversation in German. Verstopfung ist nicht gut. Ja genau!
It's amazing how we just fell right back into place after a year and a half of not seeing each other. I'm glad =) Anyway, I should start reading now. Later!
*later*
Fuck. Realized today's date and it's actually a date that means something and I am suddenly very, very nervous. *swallows* *swallows* *swallows*
I have tons to do, that's no doubt. The problem is just - where to start? I could get stoned on my Social Psych PhD readings - six fat chapters and I'm just eyeing them in trepidation because I know I'd never be able to finish it by Friday, though that's not gonna stop me from trying. A simpler undergrad level bunch of readings for tomorrow's class, which I'll probably be able to finish in a couple of hours. And of course there's my own research sitting there and I have this stuff on social capital that I need to read up, before meeting my supervisors and getting grilled.
Kuching was good, apart from the fact that I was constantly bitten by a variety of bugs and mosquitoes. We did some pretty cool treks and I foresee myself going back to Bako National Park to do some more. Val and Jia Ling got along great though there was a communication gap, but I'm glad they appear to like each other - Jia Ling got her education on German insults and Val got to impart his German insults. All were happy. I may or may not post pictures from Kuching later. I've got a kickass sunset photo.
Oh Val's in Singapore now camping in my living room. He told me not to blog because then we'd be left with nothing to talk about tonight - but I think it's highly impossible because we seem to be able to talk about all kinds of crap, failing which he'll just teach me random words and phrases to say in German. I don't know the spelling but after a week in Kuching I can now ask any German-speaking person if they have hair on their teeth. It's a German proverb, if someone has hair on their teeth, it means that they are very tough. If the answer's no, I can also say in German - harden the fuck up, man! Jia Ling and I can also have a constipated-related conversation in German. Verstopfung ist nicht gut. Ja genau!
It's amazing how we just fell right back into place after a year and a half of not seeing each other. I'm glad =) Anyway, I should start reading now. Later!
*later*
Fuck. Realized today's date and it's actually a date that means something and I am suddenly very, very nervous. *swallows* *swallows* *swallows*
Mead will be the death of me.
I ingested 50 pages of George Herbert Mead's Mind, Self and Society today and was totally numbed by the end of the day. If anyone's interested to know I still have 150 pages to go. I don't think I'll be able to make it by Friday. I'll just have to fake it. The problem is, Friday's class has a student population of 2. I. Am. So. Screwed.
Being completely numbed I walked home at a very slow pace tonight. While my mind wandered as my feet trudged along, I reflected on how amazingly predictable life is, given that it is so easy for anyone to act unpredictably. While jaywalking I could have just stopped right in the middle of the road, turned around and faced the traffic. It could have meant my death and life-long trauma for the bus driver. Why does no one do that? It's so easy. Just walk, turn around, and stare at the headlights.
I am not suicidal. I just harbour strange thoughts sometimes.
I reached home and slumped on the couch. Turned on the TV and stared at it with my glassy eyes. Slowly life trickled back and I could feel again.
That's not gonna last though. After watching Glee I'll have to go back to reading. You know I enjoy reading. I enjoy learning. I love being offered a slice of what it's like being in the head of a genius. I just wish I wasn't always so last minute about my reading and that he didn't speak funny. Let me show you a small paragraph of what I am supposed to digest and I still can't fully grasp it, even after reading through more than five times.
Notice that there are only two periods in the entire paragraph of 147 words. And then, after about 3 pages, he starts to take back what he just said. I think. I mean I'm not even sure if that was what he meant. Did he take it back, or did he modify the concept, or did he order beer in German?
Deep intake of air is necessary at this moment.
I just realized that I don't understand the material. And I don't have time for this. This is only a class that I'm auditing. I have to continue writing my lit review for the confirmation report which is supposed to be my highest priority at the moment. I have to get a pair of new hiking shoes tomorrow after I completely thrashed mine at the Black Rock Desert. I have some other errands to run by the end of the week. I am leaving on Sunday to Kuching. I'm really looking forward to it, to Val, but I -
Sigh. I have to go now.
Being completely numbed I walked home at a very slow pace tonight. While my mind wandered as my feet trudged along, I reflected on how amazingly predictable life is, given that it is so easy for anyone to act unpredictably. While jaywalking I could have just stopped right in the middle of the road, turned around and faced the traffic. It could have meant my death and life-long trauma for the bus driver. Why does no one do that? It's so easy. Just walk, turn around, and stare at the headlights.
I am not suicidal. I just harbour strange thoughts sometimes.
I reached home and slumped on the couch. Turned on the TV and stared at it with my glassy eyes. Slowly life trickled back and I could feel again.
That's not gonna last though. After watching Glee I'll have to go back to reading. You know I enjoy reading. I enjoy learning. I love being offered a slice of what it's like being in the head of a genius. I just wish I wasn't always so last minute about my reading and that he didn't speak funny. Let me show you a small paragraph of what I am supposed to digest and I still can't fully grasp it, even after reading through more than five times.
"Gestures become significant symbols when they implicitly arouse in an individual making them the same responses which they explicitly arouse, or are supposed to arouse, in other individuals, the individuals to whom they are addressed; and in all conversations of gestures within the social process, whether external (between different individuals) or internal (between a given individual and himself), the individual's consciousness of the content and flow of meaning involved depends on his thus taking the attitude of the other toward his own gestures. In this way every gesture comes within a given social group or community to stand for a particular act or response, namely, the act or response which it calls forth explicitly in the individual to whom it is addressed, and implicitly in the individual who makes it; and this particular act or response for which it stands is its meaning as a significant symbol."
Notice that there are only two periods in the entire paragraph of 147 words. And then, after about 3 pages, he starts to take back what he just said. I think. I mean I'm not even sure if that was what he meant. Did he take it back, or did he modify the concept, or did he order beer in German?
Deep intake of air is necessary at this moment.
I just realized that I don't understand the material. And I don't have time for this. This is only a class that I'm auditing. I have to continue writing my lit review for the confirmation report which is supposed to be my highest priority at the moment. I have to get a pair of new hiking shoes tomorrow after I completely thrashed mine at the Black Rock Desert. I have some other errands to run by the end of the week. I am leaving on Sunday to Kuching. I'm really looking forward to it, to Val, but I -
Sigh. I have to go now.
Dead drafts.
I've got stuff to say but they keep jumbling themselves up, getting tangled in different strains of thought, that I have had to delete multiple paragraphs and start over. So although you are reading this in the first paragraph, try imagining like ten invisible paragraphs on top of each other, buried in layers, and this is the fortunate top layer that gets to stay.
Not unlike the cemetery that I went to in Boston where the tour guide was explaining to people that people used to point out the plot that they wanted to be buried at, which is fine, except that it was someone else's plot. What they did was just crush the bones of the previous dead person and bury the new dead person on top. Apparently it was a thriving business (at about $8-$12 a plot) back then until it got banned. Every grave had 2-12 dead people in it. I bet they're having a party down there with all the mangled bones.
Rest in peace my dead drafts.
See, that's the problem. I start thinking of something and it gets led onto some totally different tangent and there is not really a point to what I'm writing. Perhaps I'm just purging the contents and mess in my brain. The same mess in my brain that caused me to think that Val was coming yesterday, resulting in my whole family in KL anticipating his arrival because he's spending a night in KL before going to Phnom Penh before meeting me and Jia Ling in Kuching, but of course he didn't call because he is arriving tomorrow. Sucks to screw up so royally. But I'm glad I mixed up instead of him missing his flight, for example.
Too many things to think about. Of course mostly I'm thinking about my research, because I don't have a choice, but I shall not dwell on that because it is boring. To you anyway. Actually to me too because the same ideas circle my head, I don't know why, maybe because subconsciously I'm terrified if I would lose the fruit of my thoughts. I have pages of notes where I write about virtually the same thing to refresh and make sense of the ideas.
Dragonboating. On how I should train more extensively to really master it because I want to know that I am doing it the right way. I'm thinking of going for Wednesday trainings, maybe after March, because it's more intensive training which would be useful for building stamina, muscle and technique. Sure it would involve a lot of pain but what is new. And it looks like that's the only way to get better, which is something that I want. David Blaine didn't get to break the longest held breath record (17mins) by installing a pipe in his lungs. (He tried but it didn't work.) He did it through perseverance and trying all means possible, and lots of training and mental strength. (TED)
And that applies to so many different areas of my life. Travel for instance.
Erm. I just realized that there are not too many areas of my life. Research, dragonboating, travelling. But I'm pouring myself whole-heartedly into them. I like my life because I try putting only the good bits in it. It's not that it doesn't have bad bits. But usually if you make an effort and be less scared, you are able to put big chunks of good bits in to outweigh the bad bits.
A visualization if you need one:
11111110101111111111110011111101110111111111
I'm going to the museum today to look at ancient Egyptian dead bodies. And later a free concert in the botanical gardens. Today's gonna be a good day! Shall go get breakfast for necessary nutrients for mummy-gazing.
Not unlike the cemetery that I went to in Boston where the tour guide was explaining to people that people used to point out the plot that they wanted to be buried at, which is fine, except that it was someone else's plot. What they did was just crush the bones of the previous dead person and bury the new dead person on top. Apparently it was a thriving business (at about $8-$12 a plot) back then until it got banned. Every grave had 2-12 dead people in it. I bet they're having a party down there with all the mangled bones.
Rest in peace my dead drafts.
See, that's the problem. I start thinking of something and it gets led onto some totally different tangent and there is not really a point to what I'm writing. Perhaps I'm just purging the contents and mess in my brain. The same mess in my brain that caused me to think that Val was coming yesterday, resulting in my whole family in KL anticipating his arrival because he's spending a night in KL before going to Phnom Penh before meeting me and Jia Ling in Kuching, but of course he didn't call because he is arriving tomorrow. Sucks to screw up so royally. But I'm glad I mixed up instead of him missing his flight, for example.
Too many things to think about. Of course mostly I'm thinking about my research, because I don't have a choice, but I shall not dwell on that because it is boring. To you anyway. Actually to me too because the same ideas circle my head, I don't know why, maybe because subconsciously I'm terrified if I would lose the fruit of my thoughts. I have pages of notes where I write about virtually the same thing to refresh and make sense of the ideas.
Dragonboating. On how I should train more extensively to really master it because I want to know that I am doing it the right way. I'm thinking of going for Wednesday trainings, maybe after March, because it's more intensive training which would be useful for building stamina, muscle and technique. Sure it would involve a lot of pain but what is new. And it looks like that's the only way to get better, which is something that I want. David Blaine didn't get to break the longest held breath record (17mins) by installing a pipe in his lungs. (He tried but it didn't work.) He did it through perseverance and trying all means possible, and lots of training and mental strength. (TED)
And that applies to so many different areas of my life. Travel for instance.
Erm. I just realized that there are not too many areas of my life. Research, dragonboating, travelling. But I'm pouring myself whole-heartedly into them. I like my life because I try putting only the good bits in it. It's not that it doesn't have bad bits. But usually if you make an effort and be less scared, you are able to put big chunks of good bits in to outweigh the bad bits.
A visualization if you need one:
11111110101111111111110011111101110111111111
I'm going to the museum today to look at ancient Egyptian dead bodies. And later a free concert in the botanical gardens. Today's gonna be a good day! Shall go get breakfast for necessary nutrients for mummy-gazing.
no caps post
sunday morning and i am sticking around at home hoping to do some reading. well, i will, but as always i need to procrastinate a fair bit first so that i will feel sufficiently guilty to finally start reading. and once i start reading i usually don't stop. but then by that time it will be around evening and i only have a few hours left to read anyway. gosh i'm such an unproductive person.
good news is that my supervisors have approved my research questions and theoretical framework and i am good to go! for people who have witnessed my scowling squinting hair-pulling teeth-baring cheek-puffing fist-clenching anguish (i am a very expressive person) for the past six months, you'll be glad to know that i have finally, finally, managed to come up with something that validates the past year and a half of head-cracking. it feels good. but i know that the feel-good factor will wear out quite soon when i get down on my knees and start collecting literature and stuffing my face with readings, maybe to find out that there are some logical errors in my framework, but i guess i'll never find out unless i start doing the reading, will i?
*contemplates to end this post*
*decides to keep typing*
the past week has been great, i got my breakthrough and was quite ecstatic for most of the week, especially on wednesday when i realized that i finally nailed it. i proceeded to grin like an idiot (as i do) for the entire class that i was assisting at (as a teaching assistant), and entertained myself by drawing comics, something that i have not done for a very long time. then the following day i went out with my canadian cser daniel as a form of celebration. (while telling myself that i will do my readings on sunday instead. sunday's today.)
*contemplates*
*continues typing*
so i am thinking about the stuff that will happen in the next few months. i will see val in exactly two weeks. i am damn bloody excited of course. march is going to be a blur of travel (to kuching) and work. april will be spent entirely on work. may i am going to organize a birthday thing for myself, to celebrate being 27, because 27 is the new 21. (i find that entirely amusing when people say something is the new something. it sounds hip and happening but does not actually mean anything. it just gives you the impression that you are up to date and trendy. which is of course helpful when you're not actually.) may, another month of constant work, but i am hoping to have things pretty much in place by then.
june, july, august - i'm still unsure if i'll be in europe or not, the prospects look good now but i will only know for sure in march whether i get the berlin conference or not. if i do it clinches the deal. if i don't, well, i'll just have to come up with plan b. it's too bad that val and kasia both won't be in europe at that time, because partly why i want to do it is because i want to see europe through their eyes. val may be in australia with his girl, and kasia has got a job in turkey. i am really thrilled for them though, it is fantastic to travel with someone you love, and also wonderful to work in a foreign, exotic country. and it makes me feel happy to know that my friends are actively pursuing their dreams and constantly trying to live a better life, because that is the spirit that everybody should have. and when you're surrounded by people like that, you get inspired and you reach out for what you want as well.
september onwards will be a new semester. i will be presenting my confirmation report and hopefully everything will go according to plan, and i will pass it. and i get an increase in my allowance yay! by this time i will probably be commencing work on my data collection and incubating a new travel plan for the year to come. october, november, december. there goes a year!
wow. pace yourself, it's only february now, albeit the last day of it. ten months ahead, filled with hard work and constant learning, challenging and improving myself. new friends to be made, old friends to catch up with. tears, laughter, anticipation, happiness and heartbreak. floating in a sea of academic literature, enveloping myself in nature's beauty, giving and receiving big hugs. possibly meeting someone, probably not meeting anyone. maybe finally getting the courage to speak to guys that i like. haha. why am i so shy huh.
oh well. i should really start my reading. the journey of thousand miles begins with a single step.
good news is that my supervisors have approved my research questions and theoretical framework and i am good to go! for people who have witnessed my scowling squinting hair-pulling teeth-baring cheek-puffing fist-clenching anguish (i am a very expressive person) for the past six months, you'll be glad to know that i have finally, finally, managed to come up with something that validates the past year and a half of head-cracking. it feels good. but i know that the feel-good factor will wear out quite soon when i get down on my knees and start collecting literature and stuffing my face with readings, maybe to find out that there are some logical errors in my framework, but i guess i'll never find out unless i start doing the reading, will i?
*contemplates to end this post*
*decides to keep typing*
the past week has been great, i got my breakthrough and was quite ecstatic for most of the week, especially on wednesday when i realized that i finally nailed it. i proceeded to grin like an idiot (as i do) for the entire class that i was assisting at (as a teaching assistant), and entertained myself by drawing comics, something that i have not done for a very long time. then the following day i went out with my canadian cser daniel as a form of celebration. (while telling myself that i will do my readings on sunday instead. sunday's today.)
*contemplates*
*continues typing*
so i am thinking about the stuff that will happen in the next few months. i will see val in exactly two weeks. i am damn bloody excited of course. march is going to be a blur of travel (to kuching) and work. april will be spent entirely on work. may i am going to organize a birthday thing for myself, to celebrate being 27, because 27 is the new 21. (i find that entirely amusing when people say something is the new something. it sounds hip and happening but does not actually mean anything. it just gives you the impression that you are up to date and trendy. which is of course helpful when you're not actually.) may, another month of constant work, but i am hoping to have things pretty much in place by then.
june, july, august - i'm still unsure if i'll be in europe or not, the prospects look good now but i will only know for sure in march whether i get the berlin conference or not. if i do it clinches the deal. if i don't, well, i'll just have to come up with plan b. it's too bad that val and kasia both won't be in europe at that time, because partly why i want to do it is because i want to see europe through their eyes. val may be in australia with his girl, and kasia has got a job in turkey. i am really thrilled for them though, it is fantastic to travel with someone you love, and also wonderful to work in a foreign, exotic country. and it makes me feel happy to know that my friends are actively pursuing their dreams and constantly trying to live a better life, because that is the spirit that everybody should have. and when you're surrounded by people like that, you get inspired and you reach out for what you want as well.
september onwards will be a new semester. i will be presenting my confirmation report and hopefully everything will go according to plan, and i will pass it. and i get an increase in my allowance yay! by this time i will probably be commencing work on my data collection and incubating a new travel plan for the year to come. october, november, december. there goes a year!
wow. pace yourself, it's only february now, albeit the last day of it. ten months ahead, filled with hard work and constant learning, challenging and improving myself. new friends to be made, old friends to catch up with. tears, laughter, anticipation, happiness and heartbreak. floating in a sea of academic literature, enveloping myself in nature's beauty, giving and receiving big hugs. possibly meeting someone, probably not meeting anyone. maybe finally getting the courage to speak to guys that i like. haha. why am i so shy huh.
oh well. i should really start my reading. the journey of thousand miles begins with a single step.
The Barney Jigsaw
Leaving the office in half an hour to meet Jia Ling for dinner tonight.
It's been a busy day. I sat down this morning, had a sudden gush of inspiration and completed a two-page writeup on what I actually want to do. What I want to accomplish with my research, the questions that I want to ask, and the conceptual lenses that I want to use in framing and answering those questions. Basically I was addressing the pain in my butt (non-dragonboat-related) that was bothering me for the past six months, and I finished it in two hours. Actually, less than two, if you discount the intervals that I spent in reading XKCD, which has become an obsession of late.
So it's down. I am cautiously happy with it. If everybody's happy with what I've got, I can move into the next stage of actually writing my report.
If you want to know how it feels, get the type of jigsaw puzzle that does not come with an image of what your outcome is. You have all these pieces in front of you, the different shades of blue that you suppose is either a brilliant sky, a rough sea, a huge blue eye or Barney who fell into blue paint (the possibilities are endless) but you have no idea what you're actually building.
Now let me tweak the analogy a little. The puzzle picture that you have - it can be anything. It can be anything you want it to be, as long as you can make the pieces fit together seamlessly. There is no one true answer, there is no one Barney, you can make a whole army of Barneys if you want to. They can even be purple. As long as they fit and they don't look out of place. Then it's okay.
Except that, to piss you off and make your life even more miserable than it already is, you start off with no puzzle pieces. It's a puzzle piece scavenger hunt, with no specific instructions on what you're hunting for. They're scattered everywhere. It depends on your luck and imagination and aptitude to find the pieces and make sense of them. Sometimes you meet someone in the woods and he/she happen to be knowledgeable in the type of image you're interested in building. He/she points you some directions. Of course it might not be what you want. Sometimes you are led on a wild goose chase. Then you see puzzle pieces along the way and pick them up anyway. Maybe they'll be useful in the future, you reassure yourself, patting the ever-growing sack of puzzle pieces behind your back.
My supervisor once told me, that the dissertation is only the tip of the iceberg of all the work that has been done to produce it. Beneath the cold waters is an entire mass of ice, the remaining 90% that no one gets to see. The rest of the puzzle pieces that get tossed back into the sack, that you lugged around the woods for the best years of your life, will never see the light of the day.
It is beautifully depressing.
Anyway, enough analogies and traipsing around woods and icebergs and such - I need to get going. I didn't even get to the rest of my busy day. Cheers guys.
It's been a busy day. I sat down this morning, had a sudden gush of inspiration and completed a two-page writeup on what I actually want to do. What I want to accomplish with my research, the questions that I want to ask, and the conceptual lenses that I want to use in framing and answering those questions. Basically I was addressing the pain in my butt (non-dragonboat-related) that was bothering me for the past six months, and I finished it in two hours. Actually, less than two, if you discount the intervals that I spent in reading XKCD, which has become an obsession of late.
So it's down. I am cautiously happy with it. If everybody's happy with what I've got, I can move into the next stage of actually writing my report.
If you want to know how it feels, get the type of jigsaw puzzle that does not come with an image of what your outcome is. You have all these pieces in front of you, the different shades of blue that you suppose is either a brilliant sky, a rough sea, a huge blue eye or Barney who fell into blue paint (the possibilities are endless) but you have no idea what you're actually building.
Now let me tweak the analogy a little. The puzzle picture that you have - it can be anything. It can be anything you want it to be, as long as you can make the pieces fit together seamlessly. There is no one true answer, there is no one Barney, you can make a whole army of Barneys if you want to. They can even be purple. As long as they fit and they don't look out of place. Then it's okay.
Except that, to piss you off and make your life even more miserable than it already is, you start off with no puzzle pieces. It's a puzzle piece scavenger hunt, with no specific instructions on what you're hunting for. They're scattered everywhere. It depends on your luck and imagination and aptitude to find the pieces and make sense of them. Sometimes you meet someone in the woods and he/she happen to be knowledgeable in the type of image you're interested in building. He/she points you some directions. Of course it might not be what you want. Sometimes you are led on a wild goose chase. Then you see puzzle pieces along the way and pick them up anyway. Maybe they'll be useful in the future, you reassure yourself, patting the ever-growing sack of puzzle pieces behind your back.
My supervisor once told me, that the dissertation is only the tip of the iceberg of all the work that has been done to produce it. Beneath the cold waters is an entire mass of ice, the remaining 90% that no one gets to see. The rest of the puzzle pieces that get tossed back into the sack, that you lugged around the woods for the best years of your life, will never see the light of the day.
It is beautifully depressing.
Anyway, enough analogies and traipsing around woods and icebergs and such - I need to get going. I didn't even get to the rest of my busy day. Cheers guys.
Bloodshot eyes
It's raining outside and I am in the office, trying to cram some last bit of work in before I leave for home for the weekend. I have a writeup due on Monday/Sunday evening and I am still working at it. If the office was airconditioned during the weekend I would come back to work, but it isn't, and I don't want to suffocate, so the other option is to lug a bag of books home to read.
I'm listening to this band called Jump, Little Children. It's pretty good.
I've been in a rollercoaster of sorts today - or at the risk of sounding dramatic, I've been on the Pendulum of Hysteria. One moment I am absolutely sure that I am a dead failure and then the next moment I feel that I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Then suddenly: SWOOP!! I'm on the other end of the fence and I feel like crap again. This can't be good for my health.
As the motto of late has been to stop wasting time worrying and spend the time to actually do stuff, I have been focusing on reading and thinking and writing notes, rinse and repeat. I can see myself improving but it is slow-moving and I am impatient. I can see areas of my life that I can/should improve, but I don't have time for that now, and I am not courageous enough to step out of my comfort zone. As such, I am dragging my feet, hoping that everything will be okay and it is me overthinking and being neurotic as usual. Maybe. SWOOP!! Maybe not. I don't know.
I have also changed my CS status to "Maybe" instead of "Yes". I don't think I'm in the state to host, not for a couple of months anyway, until I get my shit together and can actually afford to have a life. The downside to this is that I am back to spending a lot of time with the company of myself, being annoying in my head as usual. At times when I am eating oatmeal in front of the TV, taking a break from my imaginary friend Blumer and his verbose monologues, I reflect on how life would be much nicer if I had a boyfriend, if just to sit in front of the TV together eating oatmeal with coconut milk sprinkled with mixed herbs and salt. I'd probably be enjoying his silent torment about the odd food that I'm feeding him.
And then reality hits and I realize that I don't have time for a boyfriend. I don't even have time for couchsurfers. Back to my oatmeal and Blumer I retreat. Is this how I am going to remember the best years of my life? Is Blumer an acceptable reason for resorting to a sperm bank? Might Blumer have any suggestions on how I'm going to explain to my kid the absence of a father figure?
I think I am in love. I should probably steal his sperm or something. [Insert elaborate plan involving handcuffs, a sperm bank and C4 explosives] [You mean there's an easier way to do it?]
I'm listening to this band called Jump, Little Children. It's pretty good.
I've been in a rollercoaster of sorts today - or at the risk of sounding dramatic, I've been on the Pendulum of Hysteria. One moment I am absolutely sure that I am a dead failure and then the next moment I feel that I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Then suddenly: SWOOP!! I'm on the other end of the fence and I feel like crap again. This can't be good for my health.
As the motto of late has been to stop wasting time worrying and spend the time to actually do stuff, I have been focusing on reading and thinking and writing notes, rinse and repeat. I can see myself improving but it is slow-moving and I am impatient. I can see areas of my life that I can/should improve, but I don't have time for that now, and I am not courageous enough to step out of my comfort zone. As such, I am dragging my feet, hoping that everything will be okay and it is me overthinking and being neurotic as usual. Maybe. SWOOP!! Maybe not. I don't know.
I have also changed my CS status to "Maybe" instead of "Yes". I don't think I'm in the state to host, not for a couple of months anyway, until I get my shit together and can actually afford to have a life. The downside to this is that I am back to spending a lot of time with the company of myself, being annoying in my head as usual. At times when I am eating oatmeal in front of the TV, taking a break from my imaginary friend Blumer and his verbose monologues, I reflect on how life would be much nicer if I had a boyfriend, if just to sit in front of the TV together eating oatmeal with coconut milk sprinkled with mixed herbs and salt. I'd probably be enjoying his silent torment about the odd food that I'm feeding him.
And then reality hits and I realize that I don't have time for a boyfriend. I don't even have time for couchsurfers. Back to my oatmeal and Blumer I retreat. Is this how I am going to remember the best years of my life? Is Blumer an acceptable reason for resorting to a sperm bank? Might Blumer have any suggestions on how I'm going to explain to my kid the absence of a father figure?
I think I am in love. I should probably steal his sperm or something. [Insert elaborate plan involving handcuffs, a sperm bank and C4 explosives] [You mean there's an easier way to do it?]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
