Being completely numbed I walked home at a very slow pace tonight. While my mind wandered as my feet trudged along, I reflected on how amazingly predictable life is, given that it is so easy for anyone to act unpredictably. While jaywalking I could have just stopped right in the middle of the road, turned around and faced the traffic. It could have meant my death and life-long trauma for the bus driver. Why does no one do that? It's so easy. Just walk, turn around, and stare at the headlights.
I am not suicidal. I just harbour strange thoughts sometimes.
I reached home and slumped on the couch. Turned on the TV and stared at it with my glassy eyes. Slowly life trickled back and I could feel again.
That's not gonna last though. After watching Glee I'll have to go back to reading. You know I enjoy reading. I enjoy learning. I love being offered a slice of what it's like being in the head of a genius. I just wish I wasn't always so last minute about my reading and that he didn't speak funny. Let me show you a small paragraph of what I am supposed to digest and I still can't fully grasp it, even after reading through more than five times.
"Gestures become significant symbols when they implicitly arouse in an individual making them the same responses which they explicitly arouse, or are supposed to arouse, in other individuals, the individuals to whom they are addressed; and in all conversations of gestures within the social process, whether external (between different individuals) or internal (between a given individual and himself), the individual's consciousness of the content and flow of meaning involved depends on his thus taking the attitude of the other toward his own gestures. In this way every gesture comes within a given social group or community to stand for a particular act or response, namely, the act or response which it calls forth explicitly in the individual to whom it is addressed, and implicitly in the individual who makes it; and this particular act or response for which it stands is its meaning as a significant symbol."
Notice that there are only two periods in the entire paragraph of 147 words. And then, after about 3 pages, he starts to take back what he just said. I think. I mean I'm not even sure if that was what he meant. Did he take it back, or did he modify the concept, or did he order beer in German?
Deep intake of air is necessary at this moment.
I just realized that I don't understand the material. And I don't have time for this. This is only a class that I'm auditing. I have to continue writing my lit review for the confirmation report which is supposed to be my highest priority at the moment. I have to get a pair of new hiking shoes tomorrow after I completely thrashed mine at the Black Rock Desert. I have some other errands to run by the end of the week. I am leaving on Sunday to Kuching. I'm really looking forward to it, to Val, but I -
Sigh. I have to go now.
