Hell hath no fury like a woman with PMS

Was moody the whole day today with a severe bout of what they casually call the PMS. Imagine being lethargic yet having the urge to tear down a house. Any house. Your house needs tearing down? Call me. My two bare hands are waiting.

My readership skyrocketed today. Normally I'd be quite exhilarated but contrary to that I slipped further into the abyss called depression and actually resented the hits. Then I was happy. Then I went back to being mopey. Mood Swings!

Reason for the up in the readership - Rocky kindly gave me a "Thinking Blogger Award". Arrgh the pressure to receive it from one of the Tai Kor's of the so-po blogging scene in Malaysia. Part of me is smug but part of me feels that I really don't deserve it. And I'm not saying this to appear humble or whatever, because this links to the reason why I resented the hits - because most people who would come a-knocking would expect a government-bashing world-saving hot-blooded alpha-feminist blogger.

I am not. This is my personal blog. I blog about shoes and makeup, drool over celebrities, fantasize and sometimes even laugh at people behind their backs. The recent mingling with some of the so-po bloggers has sobered up my writing a little, as my audiences are primarily mature males and some unidentified readers might even compose of people I know in real life.

The "All-Blogs must NOT go to Ijok" is probably the only time that I have taken such a strong stand in the blogosphere, because I genuinely wanted to express my point of view. I don't write like that all the time! I'm a social recluse, even in the cyberspace (which is why I rarely comment on blogs)! I won't be compelled to change my style and submit an essay to my blog every week!

Whole afternoon I was swimming in a downward spiral of perceived expectations till I became so fed up that I went to the hairdresser's to marinate my hair in some foul-smelling liquid so that it would curl. Strands that rebel against this cause can choose to fall out. I'm democratic in this way.

But in-between mood swings today I realized something. It's either I blog for myself or forgo this little space that is mine. I set up a blog because I wanted a space to stretch my mental muscles without being judged. Pour my soul out to strangers and be truthful to myself. Hentam people with no holds barred. Be silly and immature and pull outrageous stunts.

Instead I am becoming increasingly constipated and politically correct, although none of my posts are deliberately so. I just bin the rest into the drafts where they will never see the light of the day. I don't think my unborn posts are too happy about that.

My blog. It's going to be about me. I will be as bimbotic or emo or pointless as I want and I should not feel bad about it.

Having said that whole incoherent bunch, thanks for the award, dear Rocky =) I appreciate it very much in a long-winded eccentric kind of way. I'll stick to my tradition of not tagging people though (I enjoy killing off memes. Yay!).

I went to watch Screwed yesterday. Brilliant production by local youths - I am so proud of them all! It's sad that they only show for a few days and I happened to catch the last show. Or else I would launch an unpaid-for media campaign typical of adrenaline-filled me. For those uninitiated, it is a compilation of ten short skits, by The Oral Stage. The list of skits is compiled by Su Ann from Quaintly.net.

I loved The Silent Piece, My Beautiful Regret, Toilet Talk and of course the hilarious The Untitled Choral Piece.

I'm contemplating about gushing about them, but I don't think I'll do them justice by giving fragmented comments here and there.

There is My Beautiful Regret which touched me the deepest, the monologue lamenting about how one is unable to recall what he has done, although he has done a lot - by running fast, reaching for heights, his life passed by in a flurry. But of what use is it to have accomplished so much if you can't remember what you did? This sent a chill down my spine. I recall reflecting over the exact same thing early this year, when I could not remember where last year went. I was so busy that the year flew by like it was only 6 months, when I was faced with the New Year again. I had no vivid memories of how I spent my year, and the only impression dented was that I was perpetually tired. I made a resolution that I would not let this year fly by like that. I would make it memorable. It would be the best year of my life.

So far I am almost five months into what is supposed to be the best year of my life. What memories have I? I remember stressing about the thesis day in and day out, forcing myself to write even when I didn't feel like it. I remember some travelling. I remember talking to KF on the phone, and our opposite time difference. Most of all, I remember spending most of my time glued to the PC. Blogging. Reading blogs. Stressing about various events.

Maybe I have been running too fast. When I am not running I am forcing myself to run. I am spending too much time on trivial aspects of life and not actually living life. Adopting the virtual world as my reality. It's been such a while since I've read any real book. It's been forever since I've lay on the grass and looked at the sky. Quality me time.

Suddenly, I am tempted to call a hiatus, although knowing my fickleness I may break it soon. But what the hell, this is my blog.

This blog is suspended for an indefinite period of time.

I will miss you guys =)